Point B: An Oklahoma Reunion

Trips back home to Oklahoma are less about sightseeing or stops I think you cannot miss. Oklahoma is home. Oklahoma is a place I left eleven years ago. When I return, my writing usually zeroes in on things I observed. This trip was no different.  

Uncle  

I have had countless titles throughout my life. I have been called by many positions, but nothing really compares to the feeling of joy I get when being called Uncle Nathan.  

I have never wanted children of my own. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy being around them. All my nephews and nieces make me laugh, smile, and experience a changing world through their eyes. There is always an exchange of wisdom, and I love being asked to share some of what I have learned. Perhaps, my most favorite thing is that I get to experience the best of them. Unlike their parents, I rarely encounter their foul moods or poor attitudes. When they are with me, they are the best versions of themselves.  

She Lives Alone  

As a child, I hated the idea of my Granny Box living alone. Even then, I hoped my parents would have a long and happy life together. With an empty nest, I hoped they would travel the country, explore, and enjoy complete freedom. Life had other plans.  

My father passed away in 2020 after a long and arduous battle with cancer. Now, one of my mom’s new titles is “widow.” While my mom is fiercely independent, I can hear it in her voice when I call, and I see it in her actions when I am in town that she is still navigating how to be alone. She fills her time with friends, grandkids, and countless obligations, but when she goes home at night, she is all alone. This is a fate I never wanted for her. This is a fact of life that makes it nearly impossible to hop on a plane and leave her there.  

Meers/The Wichita Mountains 

I have been coming to Meers and the Wichita Mountains all my life, but it has been 10+ years since my last visit. As a child, the height of Mt. Scott astounded me. As an adult who has hiked considerably the mountains of Washington and California, what used to astound me now seems so small in comparison. This perception does not detract from what makes this place special. Anywhere that we humans have carved out space to conserve and hold special is a place worthy of my admiration.  

Working Remotely  

In the pandemic's wake, the very nature of work has transformed. It took a public health crisis to reveal some simple truths. Technology has finally made it possible to work anywhere and remain productive. Employees no longer need to be chained to a desk for hours on end. Collaboration and teamwork can happen anywhere.  

In this shift, I doubted my ability to find joy in remote work. I am an extrovert and some of my best friends in life are friends who began as co-workers. When I found my current job at Mercy Housing Northwest, they told me about an additional benefit. Employees would only be required to be in the office two days a week and we also had thirty days of "work from anywhere time" to use as we see fit.  

Instantly, my attitude about remote work changed. For the first time in my professional career, I would find a balance between work and life. My trips to Oklahoma no longer had to be cut short because I needed to rush home for work. My office could be anywhere I wanted.  

Clayton  

As kids, Clayton and I were incredibly close. As we aged, our interests changed, and we started walking our own paths. Despite this, I have never wavered in my love or respect for Clayton. I am so profoundly proud of the man he has become. He is a better father and husband than I could have ever imagined.  

Observing him over the years, I think a need to rise to the occasion has defined Clayton’s life. With his back up against the wall, he has continued to defy the odds and prove people wrong. As a man in his thirties, he finally appears to be comfortable in his own skin and sure of himself.  

Leaving Them Here 

Each member of my family is writing their own story. They are writing these stories without me there. The monumental shift in their narrative catches my eye from a distance, but the details connecting these peaks are often unknown to me. With every visit, I feel like a character with a recurring role in their story. I pop in for scripted visits, but the story continues when I leave.  

OKC/LA 

Driving around the Oklahoma City metro, a thought rushes over me. I have seen all this before. The metro is becoming an area defined by endless sprawl. We measure cities by the time it takes to cross them thanks to an endless sea of stoplights. We find density in the urban core, but almost nowhere else. Each city seems to be built with the automobile in mind and not the pedestrian. I have seen this before. I have experienced this before. Oklahoma City is repeating the mistakes of Los Angeles.  

With no real geographic points of interest, the land is becoming an endless sea of shopping centers and big box stores. Public transportation is virtually nonexistent, and not something those of means ever use. The single-family home is still king, and nothing feels walkable. This has been true of Los Angeles for the last 50+ years and it is now true of Oklahoma City.  

LA now finds itself forced to build for density and mass transit. A lack of affordability and decreasing quality of life demanded it. When will the citizens of OKC make the same demands?

20 Years 

20 years ago, the Lambda Iota Chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha was established at the University of Central Oklahoma. This was the reason for my trip. It is also a theme I want to give some more consideration via a longer essay. For now, I will say being in this room with these men celebrating our common connection filled my soul. Reconnecting, laughing, and reminiscing filled my tank in countless ways.  

Gay Brothers in Oklahoma City  

Since its founding twenty years ago, the Lambda Iota Chapter has become more accepting of those belonging to the LGBTQ+ community. As a man who went through college closeted, I never imagined in a million years there would be enough of us to take a group photo at a Pike reunion. I never imagined brothers bringing their partners to a gathering such as this. The thought of us hopping from gay bar to gay bar in OKC never seemed possible. I dreamed these thoughts, but never thought it possible. Time proved me wrong and healed a lot of wounds.  

Mark Scott  

My three best friends live in Oklahoma City. I have had no friendships in Seattle and LA that compare to the quality of the relationships I made in OKC. One of those friends is Mark Scott. For over 10 years, Mark Scott has been like a brother to me. Through good times and bad, he has been in my corner cheering for me. Words cannot express what his friendship has meant to me.

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

An Annual Letter to the Men of Pi Kappa Alpha (2021)

Man’s nature is a social one. That is why fraternities exist. For all of its pomp and circumstance, a fraternity is not a complicated institution. With our traditions, rituals, and ideals, we ask young men to commit to the best versions of themselves. Bringing that forward, we ask them to build better institutions, families, and friendships. In everything we do, friendship is front and center.

In last year’s letter, I talked about the things I had been promised by joining a fraternity. Lifelong friends, the men who would be standing at my side when I got married, the men who would be there for the highs and the lows, and the men who would lower me into the ground.

Reading that letter, I would not blame you for thinking I was disappointed with the promises that had been made. In a way, I am, but not totally. As I stepped back from those words, I came to appreciate the brothers of mine who have remained a constant in my life. It is them who I want to highlight this year. By no means is this a complete list, rather just five brothers who have gracefully kept the lines of communication open.

Matt Patterson

One of the great honors of my life was initiating my best friend into the bonds of Pi Kappa Alpha. As I placed upon him the badge of our fraternity and welcomed him into the brotherhood, I was overcome with pride. Flash forward to the present day and Matt Patterson is still my best friend in the world and will be the Best Man at my wedding. Matt Patterson is a great listener, supportive, kind, funny, and always down for a new adventure. We have made countless promises to keep our friendship burning. So far, we have kept those promises easily.

Matt, thank you for your friendship and your brotherhood.

Daniel Stockton

When Daniel was initiated into the fraternity, I made a conscious decision to invest time and energy into his leadership development. In him, I saw true potential and power to change our organization for the better. Beyond the fraternity, I saw a man who could go on to do great things. I do not know if my efforts were recognized. Daniel did not really need me. He possesses all the tools necessary to achieve anything he desires. Still, from that decision to mentor has grown a friendship I cherish dearly. We do not text for hours. We do not call often, but when our paths cross and the stars align, I find myself grateful.

Daniel, thank you for your friendship and your brotherhood.

Jason Phillips

Jason and I love a good debate. He is a libertarian. I am a liberal. There is not a lot we agree on when it comes to politics, but we always do it with a degree of respect and the intention to understand the other side better. As someone who deeply loves discussing those sorts of things, you are not supposed to discuss in polite company, in Jason I have found an equal. Beyond politics, Jason has fantastic taste in music, which is something we should really spend more time tweeting and arguing about when we are together.

Jason, thank you for your friendship and your brotherhood.

Patrick Eaton

Patrick, convincing you to abandon Oklahoma for a few years and be my roommate in Seattle was one of the best gifts of my life. You made the transition easier. I loved exploring the city with you, hitting local trails, obsessing over movies, and knocking back more than a few adult beverages. Having you as one of my groomsmen was an easy decision because you have been there so often when I needed you. I know you will continue to do so. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Patrick, thank you for your friendship and your brotherhood.

Greg Parker

Greg, throughout our time in college and in the fraternity, an unspoken rivalry existed between the two of us. In no shape or fashion do I think of this as a negative. As cliché as it sounds, it often felt like iron sharpening iron. You made me want to be a better man and a more thoughtful leader. Now, as more distinguished gentlemen, we are becoming our true selves and find ourselves living openly and honestly. I am immensely proud of the man you have become and cannot wait to see what you accomplish next.

Greg, thank you for your friendship and your brotherhood.

This year’s letter is not filled with controversial thoughts about how fraternity men need to be better. Instead, it is filled with honest declarations about the importance of friendship. The men mentioned here changed my life for the better. I can only hope I have done the same thing.

So, why join a fraternity? Because of friends like these.

Be good to each other,

Nathan 

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An Annual Letter to the Men of Pi Kappa Alpha (2020)

Way back in 2002, I was a freshman in college at The University of Central Oklahoma. I didn’t come to college with the intention of joining a fraternity, but peer pressure and groupthink are powerful forces. As Rush Week began, we made our way from house to house meeting members and listening intently to their pitch. Each bragged about academic standards, trophies won in intramural sports, sorority relationships, engagement in student government, membership in various clubs, and they would turn, like clockwork, to the size of their alumni network.

With so much in common, I made my decision based on friendship. I was told the men around me would be the best-men at my wedding. They would be present for the birth of my children. They would be there for the highs and lows of life. These men would be friends for life. Thinking about who I wanted those men to be, I decided to become a member of Pi Kappa Alpha; a decision I have never regretted and still fills me with an immense sense of pride.

Now, I write this letter as a 36-year-old man living in Los Angeles, CA. I am still involved in the fraternity. After leaving Oklahoma, I moved to Seattle and served as an advisor at the University of Washington and now find myself in a similar role with the colony at Cal-State Northridge. My network of fraternity contacts has grown beyond those I went to school with all those years ago, but in the last few years, a new reality has become true.

My pin number is 5. I belong to the Alpha Pledge Class of Lambda Iota; one of thirteen members to serve as the first new member class at UCO. Yet, beyond social media updates, I don’t keep in touch with anyone who I came to know in the fraternity all those years ago. Since its founding, the Lambda Iota has swollen to nearly a thousand members, yet again, beyond social media, I keep in touch with very few.

Now, I know time and distance make things challenging. I chose to move away while many of my brothers remain in Oklahoma. Keeping relationships strong with thousands of miles between us is nearly impossible. Kids, responsibilities, and the very nature of how we communicate has made things even more complicated. Still, I can’t shake this feeling of wanting the reason I joined this organization to remain true. I want my brothers to be there for my wedding and all those special moments worth celebrating.

With this in mind, I am challenging myself and you to change this reality. I know I am not alone in this feeling, but we aren’t helpless. A telephone is a powerful tool, so are simple messages to those with whom you care. Also, local alumni groups, please think those of us who have moved away. There have been countless events I would have attended if I was given a longer runaway. And I am willing to do my part! Do you need a volunteer or someone to sit on a planning committee? I am your guy and so are countless other members.

This reality is not impossible to overcome. We can be better than social media. We can communicate more authentically, and we can be the brothers we promised ourselves we would always be.

Best,

-Nathan

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Hello, World!

An Annual Letter to the Men of Pike (2019)

This year’s letter is born out of a conversation I recently had with a fraternity brother during his visit to Los Angeles.

Think about all those competitions your chapter takes seriously. During my time at the Lambda Iota Chapter at the University of Central Oklahoma, we prided ourselves on our preparation for Intramural Flag Football, Basketball, Homecoming Week, our Homecoming Float, the Homecoming Cheer & Dance Competition, Homecoming King, Greek Week, Spring Sing, and, of course, trying to achieve Robert Adger Smythe recognition. For your individual chapter, the list might look different, but the endless competition remains the same. In our minds, we needed to be better than every other chapter. By winning these annual events, we would stash away bragging rights that we would then turn around and use as a recruitment tool. We added stress, tireless nights, dips in grades, and even a few injuries to our lives in an effort to appear a more well-rounded organization on paper to an 18-year-old kid out of high school.

For some, looking back, it is easy to think none of this stuff mattered. In the grand scheme of the college experience, these things counted for very little. I understand that idea. If that’s the way we want to present it, then I agree. If we reframe these events, choose to focus less on the competition, and more on what was gained, then I couldn’t agree less.

Intramural Flag Football and Basketball taught our men teamwork. Homecoming Week taught our men organizational management. The Homecoming Float taught us the power of a deadline. The Homecoming Cheer & Dance Competition taught us talent recognition. Homecoming King taught us democracy. Greek Week taught us community. Spring Sing taught us the thrill of acting a fool. Robert Adger Smythe taught us organizational dynamics. When we reframe what we gained from competition, which is often associated with something negative, to the power of what we learned, everything changes for the better.

This reframing is what makes the Greek experience unique. Standing on the outside looking in, it is easy to see the competition as pointless and frivolous. Standing on the inside looking out, these are experiences non-Greek members could gain in the classroom or through a student organization, but something changes when you have paid to be a part of an organization. All of a sudden, you are invested in its success and a return on that investment. In these competitions, as well as the daily business of a fraternity or sorority, we see that investment immediately. If we give of ourselves fully, the investment begins to reap benefits that aren’t easy to name, but forever apparent. In fact, sometimes, we Greek members fail to properly name everything our chapter has given us. We know there is a debt to be paid though. Some of us are devoted to trying to repay that debt for as long as we are alive. This feeling of gratitude wouldn’t be possible without the lessons learned through competition. For that, we should be thankful.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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An Annual Letter to the Men of Pike (2018), Podcast

Be good to each other, 

-Nathan

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An Annual Letter to the Men of Pike (2018)

Since the fall of 2002, I have been involved in some capacity with the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity. Over the course of 16 years, my roles have been varied. I have been another face in the room. I have undertaken positions without much fanfare. I have led a chapter. I have advised a chapter. No matter the role, when my fraternity asked for my participation, I stepped forward.

I continue to step forward because our Alumni Charge demands it. We promise before fellow brothers to continually serve the organization in some capacity. I take that promise very serious. In some ways, I am trying to nurture the next generation of leaders because I believe this organization is shaped in a way to change men for the better. I am also trying to make up for my failings as an undergraduate leader. I failed repeatedly. By continuing to volunteer, perhaps I am trying to fill the gaps in my past and help members avoid some of the mistakes I made.

Recently, after a move from Seattle to Los Angeles, a new thought has been on my mind. Perhaps it is time to walk away from the fraternity. This is grown out of some frustration. I am finding it nearly impossible to volunteer in the LA area. Secondly, it seems to occur almost weekly that I flip on the television or scroll past some article about some fraternity hazing or worse. The frustration I feel for those who continue to drag the names of our organizations through the mud cannot be understated. When coupled together, a clean break weighs on my mind.

Yet, I know the outcome. It is already predetermined. Something indescribable continues to pull me back into the fold. Perhaps I will never volunteer while I live in LA. I might have to wait on my return to Seattle. News stories will continue to break about fraternities and I know in my heart of hearts this will motivate me toward change and not retreat.

With all that I have given to this organization, it still fails in comparison to what this organization has given me. So, I write this annual letter to vent. I also do it because I know I am not alone. Countless volunteers have stood where I now find myself. For them, I write this letter hoping to connect and get some words of wisdom. For those no longer connected to Pike, I write this hoping you will reconsider. Our organization, now more than ever, needs committed leaders inspiring young men toward greatness. I also write this letter for the undergraduate members. Be kind and patient with your volunteers. At the end of the day, most of us have only the best intentions for Pike in mind.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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Episode 7: An Annual Letter to the Men of Pi Kappa Alpha

Natetheworld is a podcast for readers, writers, and listeners focused exploring the world through the lenses of life, love, culture, and society. On today’s episode, I present my annual letter to the members of Pi Kappa Alpha.

Be good to each other, 

-Nathan 

An Annual Letter to the Men of Pi Kappa Alpha

In 2002, I joined the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity. I did so as a white male from a middle-class family, questioning the existence of god, and trying to come to terms with my sexuality. I also considered myself a liberal and a proud Democrat. The chapter I joined lacked racial diversity (a fact we realized and actively worked to correct). Our membership came from every level of economic background. I was also surrounded by people who had a passionate faith in god but never made me feel uncomfortable for questioning. After college, I would learn I was not alone in the battle of sexuality. Finally, it being Oklahoma, my chapter was filled with conservatives and Republicans. Fortunately for me, this reality has been my whole life. I have become well-trained in the art of political dialogue. I knew what lines to cross and which ones to avoid. 

For the time and place we occupied, our chapter possessed a level of diversity which would become a moderate source of pride for me. As I mentioned above, there was still much work to be done, but we were committed to the idea of at least racial and economic diversity. It would be years after accepting alumnus status for the chapter to mature on sexual identity, but like all institutions this takes time. With all of this said, my 2017 annual letter to the men of Pi Kappa Alpha is focused on a different kind of diversity; diversity of thought. 

For the last six years, I have been an adviser to the Pike chapter at the University of Washington. Seattle is a completely different place from Edmond, OK. The members of Beta Beta are from wealthier families. More of the membership claims the views of agnosticism or atheism. They possess more liberal views on sexuality and politics. They still struggle with racial diversity but are doing a better job than my home chapter ever could. I am proud of them and proud to call myself their adviser, but something happened last week that has stuck with me. 

One of our undergraduate members was interviewed with lots of other people for a local YouTube channel. In the video, he expressed some views that were outside the norm. Admittedly, his opinion could have been better articulated, but the view was his. He agreed to the interview. He thought wearing his letters in the interview was acceptable. He agreed to be filmed. He knew the risk. 

After the video grew in popularity, I got a text message from the chapter president informing me of the video, the opinion expressed, and subsequent backlash. He wanted some advice on how to proceed. I watched the video and told him the following: 

"I would prepare a statement, something like this. Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Washington has a long and rich history of accepting members of different socio-economic, cultural, religious, sexual, and ethnic backgrounds. Our diversity reflects the campus where we reside. A part of that diversity is a diversity of thought. While we do not necessarily support the views of the member pictured in the video, we do support his right to have a diverse point of view. As we move forward, we will continue internally to work on diversity training and exposing our members to ideas outside of their traditional norm."

Now, I know this reads like a standard release meant to deflect, but I meant every word. I meant it because something strange is happening on college campuses today. I wholeheartedly believe in political correctness. I also believe in creating safe spaces for traditionally marginalized groups; places where they can be themselves without fear of retaliation or rigid reaction. I also believe college campuses should foster debate on politics, philosophy, religion, and a myriad of others issues facing humanity. These discussions should take place within the confines of the classroom, student organizations, dorm rooms, fraternity/sorority houses, and beyond. Our students should be open to questioning the world and having their world questioned. They should permit a diversity of thought to enter their lives. They should process this information and make their own decisions. These interactions will shape their worldview and better prepare them for life outside the protected and hallowed halls of academia.  They should also learn to express themselves without intimidating, bullying, and belittling others. The dialogue of the outside world should remain respectful; a lesson that can and should begin in the classroom. 

In college, I had two amazing professors. One taught humanities and the other philosophy. The one that taught humanities also happened to be a deacon in an orthodox church. Within those two classrooms, I really began to question religion. I was taught to analyze and dissect arguments. I also learned to create and defend my own beliefs. Our classroom discussions were civil and organized. They prepared me for a world where my opinions might be in the minority, but they also instilled in me a sense of respect for the other side. This is something missing from today's world. 

As we move forward, it is my sincere hope the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity will continue to be an organization encouraging diversity, debate, and powerful conversations. I hope differences can be discussed openly and respectfully. If we do this, then I truly believe our members will be ready for the real world. 

Be good to each other, 

-Nathan 

An Annual Letter to the Men of Pi Kappa Alpha

For 13 years, I have served my fraternity. I do so, because I wholeheartedly believe in the power of Greek organizations to positively impact the lives of young men and women. I continue to serve, because with any advice and direction I can provide, I hope to continue shaping transformational experiences for those following in my footsteps. My leadership journey is far from finished. My fraternity still has much to teach me.

In the last week, I have learned a lot about what it means to be a member of a fraternity. The events at the University of Oklahoma were horrific. They are just another black eye for our organizations. Seemingly, on a weekly basis, we are faced with headlines about hazing, intoxication, rape, racism, elitism, assault and death. On a weekly basis, I read of institutions and headquarters closing chapters, members being expelled and universities banning Greek organizations altogether. Many, standing on the outside of our organizations, are left wondering, “What’s the point?” They are tired of the liability. They are tired of the headlines. They are tired of having the name of their institutions dragged through the mud.

I can’t blame them. With every story, my stomach turns. I too am tired of having my name dragged through the mud. I too am tired of being guilty by association. I advise amazing men. Men committed to the ideals of philanthropy, community service, academic rigor, campus involvement, leadership, mentorship, accountability and creating life affirming moments. Their time spent in a social setting is so small when compared to the good they do. In the last year, I have advised men who have raised money for Seattle Children’s Hospital. I have seen them volunteer for the Washington Trails Association. I have seen them dance to raise money for people they will never meet. I have seen them hold each accountable to a 3.0 GPA standard. I have seen them join clubs and decide to lead within their own organization. I have seen them mentor new members and pick those up who need a hand. With every phone call, email or meeting I attend, I am floored by their potential. I am blown away by their growth and ability to realize that potential.

My stomach turns, not due to public attention or attitudes we may never change, but for the men and women we may never reach. Our organizations have the power to change lives. I know this to be true, because they changed mine. I worry for those scholars, leaders, athletes and gentlemen we may never reach, because of preconceived notions. They are right to hold those notions. While we may not be emblematic of those notions, I don’t fault them for holding the thought. As they decide Greek life is not for them, I worry about the potential they may never realize. Leaders are deciding they don’t need us or don’t want the hassle. That scares me.

So, where do we go from here? It is a powerful question. It is a cyclical inquiry all good organizations must evaluate on a constant and consistent basis. The second question is, “What do we want the future of these organizations to be?” My hope is these conversations are occurring, but I hope they are happening in places other than just fraternity headquarter board rooms. I hope they are happening on campuses, among advisory groups, between executive chapter leadership and members. I hope there is some kid from Frederick, Oklahoma wanting to join an organization with the thought of shaping an organization so great it wouldn’t even sign a future version of himself. I hope he dreams of making a difference. I hope he wants to lead. I hope he is open to being transformed. I hope he is open to conversations about race, orientation, class, status and brotherhood. I hope he sees Greek life as the vehicle best able to meet his aspirations. I hope he isn’t consumed by headlines. I hope he meets members fully invested in his potential. I hope he finds an organization who isn’t chained to the wrong traditions and isn’t too timid to ask itself the purpose of everything it does. I hope he signs with a dynamic house who won’t tolerate racism, misogyny, homophobia, rape, drugs or violence. I hope he gets to lead and fail. I hope he learns to follow. I hope he learns some humility. And one day, in the distant future, long after graduation tassels have been turned, I hope he is so filled with pride when asked to advise or serve his organization in any capacity, he answers with a resounding, “Yes!”

My hopes, vision and aspirations aren’t farfetched. I will work every day to make them a reality, not just for those I call brothers, but for anyone who dons a shirt with Greek letters. My hope in throwing together this year’s annual letter is that you will join me.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan