Take Me Home

For many, home is where you plant your roots. It is permanence. It is a foundation from which a life unfolds. For much of my life, I thought of Oklahoma as that place. Then, it wasn’t.  

The change wasn’t dramatic. It was a slow evolution. It was the byproduct of heartbreaks, disappointments, and a longing for something less familiar. It was born out of a need to find my tribe. With this weighing on my heart, I leapt into the great unknown with all the courage I could muster.  

I can still remember how I felt the first time I told a group of friends I was moving to Seattle. Surrounded by people I dearly loved, I felt their heartache. These people became the family I got to choose. In all those heartbreaks and disappointments, they provided comfort and encouragement. Still, the pain associated with what I was losing could not compare to the excitement I felt for new possibilities. Anxiety wanted me to cling to the familiar. Experience demanded my surroundings change.  

Since that announcement, so much in my life has changed. Home was Seattle. Home was Los Angeles. Home became Seattle again. The very idea of home has made less sense to me. A desire to call several places home replaced permanence. New communities to fold myself into seem more attractive. A life in transition feels more necessary.  

It is hard to explain when this change in mindset became the dominating force. It is even more daunting to explain when I came to find comfort in the idea. It is nearly impossible to tell you how standing in one place for too long feels. I wish I could string the words together. I wish I fully understood it. For now, I am content with the idea.  

Perhaps there is a day marked on the calendar when the mindset will begin shifting again. I may make acquaintance with a city and a community that feels like a place worth a deep investment. Perhaps one day the very thought of leaving such a place will feel like a type of guilt mirroring the worst kind of shame. One day, leaving will never be an option. At the very least, it will be an option I never want to explore. Perhaps, in such a place, I can finally feel like myself.  

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

Captured: OKC

In 2011, I left Oklahoma City for the west coast. Since then, OKC has undergone a massive transformation. With every return visit, I see my former stomping grounds at a new angle.

Be good to each other,

Nathan

Point B: An Oklahoma Reunion

Trips back home to Oklahoma are less about sightseeing or stops I think you cannot miss. Oklahoma is home. Oklahoma is a place I left eleven years ago. When I return, my writing usually zeroes in on things I observed. This trip was no different.  

Uncle  

I have had countless titles throughout my life. I have been called by many positions, but nothing really compares to the feeling of joy I get when being called Uncle Nathan.  

I have never wanted children of my own. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy being around them. All my nephews and nieces make me laugh, smile, and experience a changing world through their eyes. There is always an exchange of wisdom, and I love being asked to share some of what I have learned. Perhaps, my most favorite thing is that I get to experience the best of them. Unlike their parents, I rarely encounter their foul moods or poor attitudes. When they are with me, they are the best versions of themselves.  

She Lives Alone  

As a child, I hated the idea of my Granny Box living alone. Even then, I hoped my parents would have a long and happy life together. With an empty nest, I hoped they would travel the country, explore, and enjoy complete freedom. Life had other plans.  

My father passed away in 2020 after a long and arduous battle with cancer. Now, one of my mom’s new titles is “widow.” While my mom is fiercely independent, I can hear it in her voice when I call, and I see it in her actions when I am in town that she is still navigating how to be alone. She fills her time with friends, grandkids, and countless obligations, but when she goes home at night, she is all alone. This is a fate I never wanted for her. This is a fact of life that makes it nearly impossible to hop on a plane and leave her there.  

Meers/The Wichita Mountains 

I have been coming to Meers and the Wichita Mountains all my life, but it has been 10+ years since my last visit. As a child, the height of Mt. Scott astounded me. As an adult who has hiked considerably the mountains of Washington and California, what used to astound me now seems so small in comparison. This perception does not detract from what makes this place special. Anywhere that we humans have carved out space to conserve and hold special is a place worthy of my admiration.  

Working Remotely  

In the pandemic's wake, the very nature of work has transformed. It took a public health crisis to reveal some simple truths. Technology has finally made it possible to work anywhere and remain productive. Employees no longer need to be chained to a desk for hours on end. Collaboration and teamwork can happen anywhere.  

In this shift, I doubted my ability to find joy in remote work. I am an extrovert and some of my best friends in life are friends who began as co-workers. When I found my current job at Mercy Housing Northwest, they told me about an additional benefit. Employees would only be required to be in the office two days a week and we also had thirty days of "work from anywhere time" to use as we see fit.  

Instantly, my attitude about remote work changed. For the first time in my professional career, I would find a balance between work and life. My trips to Oklahoma no longer had to be cut short because I needed to rush home for work. My office could be anywhere I wanted.  

Clayton  

As kids, Clayton and I were incredibly close. As we aged, our interests changed, and we started walking our own paths. Despite this, I have never wavered in my love or respect for Clayton. I am so profoundly proud of the man he has become. He is a better father and husband than I could have ever imagined.  

Observing him over the years, I think a need to rise to the occasion has defined Clayton’s life. With his back up against the wall, he has continued to defy the odds and prove people wrong. As a man in his thirties, he finally appears to be comfortable in his own skin and sure of himself.  

Leaving Them Here 

Each member of my family is writing their own story. They are writing these stories without me there. The monumental shift in their narrative catches my eye from a distance, but the details connecting these peaks are often unknown to me. With every visit, I feel like a character with a recurring role in their story. I pop in for scripted visits, but the story continues when I leave.  

OKC/LA 

Driving around the Oklahoma City metro, a thought rushes over me. I have seen all this before. The metro is becoming an area defined by endless sprawl. We measure cities by the time it takes to cross them thanks to an endless sea of stoplights. We find density in the urban core, but almost nowhere else. Each city seems to be built with the automobile in mind and not the pedestrian. I have seen this before. I have experienced this before. Oklahoma City is repeating the mistakes of Los Angeles.  

With no real geographic points of interest, the land is becoming an endless sea of shopping centers and big box stores. Public transportation is virtually nonexistent, and not something those of means ever use. The single-family home is still king, and nothing feels walkable. This has been true of Los Angeles for the last 50+ years and it is now true of Oklahoma City.  

LA now finds itself forced to build for density and mass transit. A lack of affordability and decreasing quality of life demanded it. When will the citizens of OKC make the same demands?

20 Years 

20 years ago, the Lambda Iota Chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha was established at the University of Central Oklahoma. This was the reason for my trip. It is also a theme I want to give some more consideration via a longer essay. For now, I will say being in this room with these men celebrating our common connection filled my soul. Reconnecting, laughing, and reminiscing filled my tank in countless ways.  

Gay Brothers in Oklahoma City  

Since its founding twenty years ago, the Lambda Iota Chapter has become more accepting of those belonging to the LGBTQ+ community. As a man who went through college closeted, I never imagined in a million years there would be enough of us to take a group photo at a Pike reunion. I never imagined brothers bringing their partners to a gathering such as this. The thought of us hopping from gay bar to gay bar in OKC never seemed possible. I dreamed these thoughts, but never thought it possible. Time proved me wrong and healed a lot of wounds.  

Mark Scott  

My three best friends live in Oklahoma City. I have had no friendships in Seattle and LA that compare to the quality of the relationships I made in OKC. One of those friends is Mark Scott. For over 10 years, Mark Scott has been like a brother to me. Through good times and bad, he has been in my corner cheering for me. Words cannot express what his friendship has meant to me.

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

Point B: LAX to OKC to SEA to LAX

My Dad’s Health

I spent much of my Christmas holiday in the hospital with my father who has had cancer for well over a decade. Complicating matters this time around were pneumonia and renal failure. As I walked into the ICU after being picked up from the airport, I had never seen my father look so weak. It was a shocking and jarring experience. It is an image I will not soon forget and serves as a reminder that we are in a race against the clock. In the next couple of years, I plan to make more trips to Oklahoma for unexpected visits. In no shape, form, or fashion whatsoever do I find myself prepared to let this man go, but I would never be able to forgive myself if I watched him slip away from afar.

Matt Patterson

Matt Patterson has been a constant in my life since our Freshman year of college. For eight years, we were roommates and nearly inseparable. When life gets chaotic or I have big news to share, he is the first person I must tell. He will be the best man at my wedding and will be there for a thousand more adventures. Standing next to my father in the hospital, Matt was the first person I called. I do not know where he was in the city. I do not know if I interrupted his plans. But once again, he dropped everything and was there for me. Matt, I do not know if you will ever read this, but I must thank you for continuing to be the very definition of a friend.

Family Dynamics

As my father started to feel better, he was able to have more visitors. When I arrived back at the hospital after some last-minute Christmas shopping, I found a room filled with my brothers, nephews, and nieces. It was overwhelming and probably exactly what my father needed. For over a decade, we have each had a special role to play in my father’s health. My mother is the medical expert. Clayton is the muscle and physical support. I am the rational one. The nephews and nieces are there with love and laughs. To see all those dynamics on display in one room exemplified family. 

Mark Scott

Not far behind Matt Patterson is Mark Scott. Mark and I share a deep love and appreciation for music, love a good strong drink, and find ourselves lost in laughter for hours. When we meet up after some time apart, we pick up exactly where we left off from the last time we were together. We fight like brothers but have each other’s back through thick and thin. Just like Matt, I cannot vividly picture my life without him in it.

Different Christmas

I love Christmas. I am not one of these people who starts playing Christmas music in August, but I dearly love the holiday. I love gathering with family, eating way too much, opening gifts, and getting things I do not deserve. This Christmas was a little different though. With my father in the hospital, the house was not decorated. Gifts were not under the tree. Food for the giant family meal had not been purchased. Wanting to make the best of a difficult situation, I launched into planning mode. I helped my mother wrap presents, decorated the tree, and cooked a small meal. It was not the holiday we were used to, but we were together and that is all that mattered.

Back in Seattle

After leaving Oklahoma, I headed to Seattle to spend time with Brandon and his family. While I was in town, Brandon had to work. This meant I was free to explore the city. I visited our old neighborhood around Alki, walked Seattle Center, and drove without any destination in mind. As I did, all the things that made me fall in love with this city in the first place started coming back to me. In September of 2020, I will be returning here for good and I cannot wait to make this home once again.

SIFF Uptown

SIFF Uptown Theater is such a special place. Here, I have watched countless movies. Here, I have cried, laughed, explored, and been tested in unimaginable ways. I have not loved every movie, but I loved the experience of contributing in some small way to an organization dedicated to the craft of independent filmmaking. For as long as I am able, SIFF will count me as an audience member and a supporter. In some small way, I see myself repaying a debt for everything they have given me over the years.

Buying a House

Brandon and I are starting to have serious conversations about buying a house. Saving and wading through the Seattle housing market is overwhelming, but we are committing ourselves to the investment. More than actually owning something that is ours, I am proud of this tremendous step in our relationship. It is a display of commitment. It means we are building a life together and thinking of the future. For the first time in my life, I can see beyond just dating a person. I can see forever.

NYE

New Year’s Eve is overrated. We spend all year building up the celebration in our minds and most of the time find ourselves disappointed. With the exception of a year-end celebration spent in Las Vegas, I have never attended an event or party that lived up to the pictures in my mind. After years of disappointment, I am choosing to get rid of the expectations. All I want is to be surrounded by people I love and welcome in the new year. Anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Reclaiming Seattle

As my plane took off from Sea-Tac Airport and Seattle became smaller and smaller below me, I was filled with sadness and optimism. When I return here to reclaim Seattle as my home, I want to bring the best of LA with me. I want to build a bigger network of friendships. I want to get involved in my community. I want a career focused on something near and dear to my heart. I want a home. I want adventures that mean returning home. I want to be filled with pride about the place I hang my hat. I want Seattle to be mine all over again.

Be good to each other,

Nathan 

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Point B: No Man's Land

Recently, I returned home to the great state of Oklahoma for a trip with my family to Kansas to watch my niece graduate from high school. Below are some thoughts that lingered after a trip to No Man’s Land.

My Parent’s Home

I loathe clichés. When it comes to writing, they can feel lazy and cheap, but damn it they get the point across. “Home Is Where the Heart Is.” Now, let me explain. I never thought I could love a place for my parents as much as I loved their home in Frederick. Yet, with them in Elk City, everything feels different and familiar at the same time. As I observe them at work and at play, I cannot picture them living anywhere else in the world. When I walk through those doors, I am home. My whole heart is between these walls.

Flix on Six

Frederick’s last movie theater closed long before I was born. As a kid, a journey to see a movie meant driving to Altus, Lawton, or Wichita Falls. In Elk City, Flix on Six stands as an opportunity for this cinephile to escape and see a movie. On this trip, I did precisely that. Flix on Six features ridiculously low movie and refreshment prices when compared to Los Angeles. For someone who has seen nearly 800 movies in a theater, I am always baffled by how cheap it all seems. With this said, every time I visit this theater, I end up watching a movie with the worst crowd imaginable; people who don’t understand the difference between a shared public space and their living room.

Kansas/Oklahoma

Kansas is like a fat-free version of Oklahoma. If you think the topography of Oklahoma is boring, Kansas screams, “hold my 96-calorie beer.” Of all the places one could live, my sister and her family have chosen to live north of the Oklahoma Panhandle in literal No Man’s Land where tumbleweeds actually roll across the plains. Every time I visit, I leave with more questions than answers, but most of them center around, “Why?” I have no intention of sticking around for very long to have these questions answered.

Country Music

Modern-day country music is an absolute flaming pile of garbage. I am no purist and have never really been a fan of the genre, but I know it is a gasoline-soaked trash pile visible from space, because after being in a car for six hours going back and forth between the terrible music of The Eagles and modern country I wish I was deaf. In fact, my nephew asked me, “Uncle Nathan, if you had to give up sight or hearing which one would you lose?” I responded hearing! Why? So, I would never have to hear this terrible, poorly written, Johnny Cash grave rolling, inauthentic, cash-focused, pop music rip-off, regurgitated horseshit again.

Thunderstorms

On our drive back to my parent’s home, we were chased by thunderstorms rolling across the plains. As the evening sky darkened, lightning began to dance in the distance amid spirals of rain. A fresh clean smell filled the air and the blackest of night erupted in an orchestra of movement, magic, and music. Oh! How I have missed this!?! I will fall asleep with this drive on my mind. Later, it will make me long for home.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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Point B: LAX>SEA>OKC>LAX

15 Months Away from Seattle

I touched down in the Emerald City on December 20th. Ready to celebrate the holidays with family and friends, this was my first trip back to Seattle in 15 months. As we made our way up I-5 through the heart of downtown, new developments were rising in every direction. Then, there it was, the Space Needle, Seattle’s most iconic structure was beckoning me home. As I looked around, in every direction I saw cranes and signs of life. Love and sadness washed over me at the same time. My city, the place I love so dearly, was not waiting for me. Time had not stood still. Life was moving on without me. I felt betrayal on my part and jealousy at the same time. Then and there, I reaffirmed my promise to get back here as soon as possible.

Brandon with His Family

Watching Brandon play the part of a son, brother, uncle, cousin, and nephew is pure joy. He exudes pure love when surrounded by his family and receives it in return. Brandon can often feel like he doesn’t deserve love and finds himself trying to close gaps in the past that may not be completely true. Of course, this is a false narrative and the love of his family proves it. His presence lights up entire rooms and darkness follows when he leaves. One day, I hope he can experience an out of body experience of sorts and truly feel this love for what it is.

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Of all the things I miss about the Pacific Northwest, the friends I made in my six years there are at the top of the list. During our visit, we were able to gather with a small group of them. Being in their presence felt so good and reaffirming. In many regards, it is as if no time has passed at all. We picked right up where we left off with the same jokes and complaints. Still, sadness washed over me again. My friends have not stood still. Their lives are moving on without me. Again, this solidified my promise to get back here.

Movies, No Excuses

Even on vacation, I make time for the movies. I am the very definition of a cinephile. On this trip, I stopped by a couple of theatres, but one of them was pretty special. My cousin and I have a yearly tradition of seeing a movie together over the holiday break. This year, we ventured to the Liberty Theatre in Carnegie, Oklahoma. It is the state’s oldest continuously operated movie theatre. Home to three screens and out of this world prices, we were in for a real treat. 

$4 movie tickets? Concessions for two at $10? You better believe it. Of course, the theatre is beginning to show her age, but it felt great to step back in time for the pure love of cinema. As we walked away from the theatre, I thought of those who built it and those who first sat in her seats. I thought about how proud they must have been for their little jewel tucked away in one of Oklahoma’s small towns.

The Art of Gift Giving

If you will indulge me in a “Trump” like moment for a second… I am the best gift giver. Okay, not the best, but a pretty darn great one. I have the art of gift giving down like science and it begins with something so small that it is often overlooked, listening. The key to giving really great gifts is listening. All year long, people drop hints about things they would like. They say want and need almost daily. The secret to being a great gift giver is listening with intention. After that, it comes down to money and waiting for their shock. You’re welcome…

Back in Oklahoma

In many regards, I am not the same person who left Oklahoma back in 2011. So many facets of my life have changed, I would argue, for the better. I am living a more honest and open life. My life has purpose and direction. No longer am I satisfied with just surviving. Now, I am focused on living fully. Now, I don’t regret my time in Oklahoma and I am thankful for the opportunity to grow up in the confines of the Sooner State. My 27 years there shaped and molded me for the better.

Small Town Life

Small town life is quiet… too quiet. Yet, there are few places I crave as much as my parent’s home. There I am afforded a rare opportunity to recharge my batteries. Far from the echoing dings of email and interruptions of work life, I can settle into the quiet and routine. This yearly holiday retreat is so necessary for my well-being, so much so that it has inspired an idea. If I am ever lucky enough to afford something like a cabin in the woods of Washington state, you better believe I will make it happen.

Uncle

Brandon’s niece called me Tio Nathan. My brother’s kids called Brandon uncle. After years of worrying about being accepted… After years of fear where toleration was the best, I could hope for… After years of wondering would I be able to come home for Christmas ever again, it happened. My partner and I were embraced and loved. I can’t fully explain how monumental this moment for was for me. I just don’t possess the words.

Leaving Home

I have been leaving my parent’s home for 17 years. For 17 years now, my mother has fought back tears. For 17 years, I have done the same. My mother often jokes, “if I knew you were all going to grow up and move away from me, I wouldn’t have had any of you!” Like any good joke, this one has a bit of truth to it. The fact that she misses me makes the moments together matter even more. As greedy as it sounds, I hope there is always someone back in Oklahoma crying for me as I fly away into the expanse.

Matt Patterson

Matt Patterson is without equal. He is a friend who accidentally fell into my life and became an instant brother of sorts. Since our Freshman year of college, we have been stuck together like glue. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He will be the best man at my wedding and is always the first person I call with good news. To spend some time with him over the holiday season, was exactly what I needed. We always find a way to pick right back up where we left everything that mattered.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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Say No To Home

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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Say No to Home

I have said it time and time again since moving away from Oklahoma; I will only move back if my family needs me to be there. Almost two years ago, I was faced with an impossible choice. Do I make good on a promise to return in my family’s hour of need or do I continue with my life on the west coast? At this point in time, it is abundantly clear where we decided to live, but I would like to share with you all what led us to our decision.

Ultimately, I said no to moving home. While Oklahoma will always have a piece of my heart and has come to define much of who I am today, Brandon and I could not see ourselves comfortably living within the confines of the Sooner State. For all the progress Oklahoma has made in recent years, it appears that there are miles to go before my home state reaches diversity and equality among people of varying races, sexual identities, gender expressions, etc. For me these were battles, I was willing to wage. My multi-racial partner, on the other hand, wasn’t up for the challenge. To call a place home, you must feel safe. Brandon didn’t feel safe with the idea of being who he is in Oklahoma; which breaks my heart.

I left Oklahoma because I desired change. I needed to figure out who I was on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level. I needed to come to terms with my beliefs and who I am as a person. I didn’t feel comfortable exploring these fundamental things about myself in Oklahoma, so I fled to one of the furthest corners of the map and did exactly that. Now, I am more comfortable than ever. I am proud of who I am and what I believe. I don’t have it all figured out, but I have space where I am allowed to question boldly. As a couple, I don’t know if we would have felt comfortable marrying, buying a house, and possibly raising kids in Oklahoma. So, rightly or wrongly, we said no to home. I tell this story as a warning. I am a native son who thought about returning home but thought better of it. Those who lead Oklahoma and make decisions for her should know that.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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Oklahoma

National politics invades far too much of our lives. When all politics is local, I can’t help but wonder why we give what is happening in Washington, D.C. so much of our time and attention. We divide up along party lines like Yankees vs. Red Sox. We stash away stats, opinion pieces, and carefully selected jokes for the right moment. At times, it seems like we are less interested in making our country better and more interested in winning the debate. The division is deep and may cripple us far into the future. It also has real-world implications. Some of the choices I have made in my life are a product of needing to be around people who see the world as I do.

I am a native son of Oklahoma. Inside the border of the Sooner State, I learned to dream. I defended Oklahoma and was proud to call her home. As a young adult, I had the audacity to believe I could one day be the governor. I dreamed of serving my fellow citizens from the capitol building. Then, reality set in for me. The older I got the more conservative Oklahoma became. In 2008, I served as a volunteer for then-candidate Obama. During those 12 months, I encountered reasonable people with sound policy disagreements. Overall, I ran into people who spewed bigotry and ignorance. It was at this moment in time, I began to feel my dream slip away from me.

Still, I pushed forward. I thought I might be able to help candidate Jari Askins beat Mary Fallin for the governor’s seat. After a hard fight, I watched my fellow citizens elect Governor Fallin. It was then and there I decided a change would be necessary. I decided my state had moved too far to the right. Coupled with personal/professional failings, I packed up everything I owned, said goodbye to friends/family, and moved to Seattle, Washington. I decided to be done with political aspirations. My mind was made up. If I wanted to serve, I would have to do it within the nonprofit sector. Without a doubt, this is the best decision of my life.

That was seven years ago. Every time I return home, I am asked the same question. “When are you going to move back?” I always chuckle at the thought and give a laughable reason why I will never do such a thing. My family and friends accept my reason and move on with their lives. This was good enough for a while and then I began to explore my reasons. In the end, they boil down to three things:

·         Leaving made it abundantly clear how much I didn’t know

·         Now, I am unsure if I can ever go back

·         I don’t know if it will ever change for someone like me

Leaving Oklahoma, made it abundantly clear how much I didn’t know about the outside world. By no means was I a sheltered child, my parents had moved and lived all over the western United States as kids and young adults. We often took family vacations beyond the borders of Oklahoma. We read, watched television, and were encouraged to feed our curiosity. Despite all of this, it wasn’t until I left Oklahoma that I fully understood where my love for Oklahoma originated. I was native. I lived, ate, and breathed Oklahoma. I lived there for 27 years. It was all I had ever known. It wasn’t until I lived somewhere else and called someplace else home, that I realized the power of choice. Immigrating across the United States by choice allowed me to surround myself with people who viewed the world as I do. No longer was I the odd man out. The activities, events, and culture that fed my soul were at my fingertips. Then and there I realized, a home could be anything I wanted it to be as long as it filled my soul. Seattle feeds my soul. Even now, as a resident of Los Angeles hoping to get back to Washington state, Seattle feeds my soul. That’s how I know it is home.

Knowing this, I am unsure if I can ever go back. Now, I am relegated to saying, I would move back to Oklahoma if I felt my family needed me home. The hardest part of being this far away has always been the birthdays, anniversaries, and celebrations missed. While a short three-hour plane flight separates us, it can, at times, feel like my family is a world away. They know I need to be here, though. I love them for that. They know I have tasted freedom and love. They should know I would give all that up if they needed me to do so.

I also know that changing Oklahoma for someone like me is nearly impossible. While progress is a nearly impossible rock to roll back uphill, I know I am more comfortable pushing the rock downhill in a state like California or Washington than Oklahoma. For the progressives who stayed behind and fought, I salute you. For those who choose to exercise power within the halls of government, I admire you. For those who see the world as I do and are standing their ground, I see you.

Still, with all this said, I think government invades too much of our personal lives. Trying to find the balance between an informed citizen and a person who doesn’t allow the outside world to impact his mood, is not a balance I have mastered yet. I’ll keep trying.

Be good to each other,

-Nathan

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[Podcast] Box in Oklahoma

Be good to each other, 

-Nathan

I've never asked readers for financial support before. I am committed to keeping content on this site free and open to all. For me, this means no paywalls or subscription fees. If you like what I create, please consider making a contribution on Patreon.

Become a Patron!