For many, home is where you plant your roots. It is permanence. It is a foundation from which a life unfolds. For much of my life, I thought of Oklahoma as that place. Then, it wasn’t.
The change wasn’t dramatic. It was a slow evolution. It was the byproduct of heartbreaks, disappointments, and a longing for something less familiar. It was born out of a need to find my tribe. With this weighing on my heart, I leapt into the great unknown with all the courage I could muster.
I can still remember how I felt the first time I told a group of friends I was moving to Seattle. Surrounded by people I dearly loved, I felt their heartache. These people became the family I got to choose. In all those heartbreaks and disappointments, they provided comfort and encouragement. Still, the pain associated with what I was losing could not compare to the excitement I felt for new possibilities. Anxiety wanted me to cling to the familiar. Experience demanded my surroundings change.
Since that announcement, so much in my life has changed. Home was Seattle. Home was Los Angeles. Home became Seattle again. The very idea of home has made less sense to me. A desire to call several places home replaced permanence. New communities to fold myself into seem more attractive. A life in transition feels more necessary.
It is hard to explain when this change in mindset became the dominating force. It is even more daunting to explain when I came to find comfort in the idea. It is nearly impossible to tell you how standing in one place for too long feels. I wish I could string the words together. I wish I fully understood it. For now, I am content with the idea.
Perhaps there is a day marked on the calendar when the mindset will begin shifting again. I may make acquaintance with a city and a community that feels like a place worth a deep investment. Perhaps one day the very thought of leaving such a place will feel like a type of guilt mirroring the worst kind of shame. One day, leaving will never be an option. At the very least, it will be an option I never want to explore. Perhaps, in such a place, I can finally feel like myself.
Be good to each other,
Nathan