Captured: Home for the Holidays

Thanks for entering my world, 

-Nathan 

Thankful

It is easy to be thankful when the season and the month of November call for it. I would rather take a year round approach. So, here are 15 things for which I am thankful. 

1. The bit of belly fat that hangs over my jeans. You make me hate myself. Hate gets me to the gym. 
2. Hollywood. You, the den of iniquity, give me an escape. 
3. Coca-Cola. Coke has my heart and whiskey has my liver. 
4. Scientology. Making a perfect case for rational thought. 
5. Books. Love reading about other people's depressing lives. 
6. Money. The root of most of my happiness. 
7. Travel. Because we all need an escape. 
8. Bacon. What are you doing this weekend? 
9. Weddings. You are the most depressing thing on the planet. I love the motivation. 
10. Holidays. You are the second most depressing thing on the planet. I love the motivation. 
11. Grammar Nazis. Cause we all need something to hate. 
12. Jerry Sandusky. See above. 
13. Lindsay Lohan. You make the insane seem functional. 
14. Starbucks. You are like a legal drug dealer. 
15. Mom and Dad. Thanks for making the magic happen. 

Thanks for entering my world, 

-Nathan 

Thoughts After A Trip To Oklahoma

Anytime I head back to Oklahoma, I seek out friends and family members who have the power to hold conversations that fill me up. They don’t ask cliché questions about living in Seattle. They ask bold questions; questions that cause pause and reflection. They provide a new way of looking at things. We shift with ease from jokes, to music, to politics, to love, life, society and everything in between. I walk away from every one of these instances with a better understanding of myself and those I love.

Driving around Oklahoma City, it is apparent that an old city is being reborn. Every corner and enclave is under construction. Old stomping grounds are beginning to look unfamiliar. New bars, shops, homes and places to explore are everywhere. The Oklahoma City of my childhood and young adult life is slowly fading. With this transformation and growth, I hope OKC doesn’t lose its charm. For eight years, it held me tight. I hope a version of the magic that drew me there to begin with isn’t replaced.

But with growth, comes gentrification. Head in any direction from the downtown core and you see old neighborhoods slowly changing. New people are moving in and the old residents are slowly being pushed toward the suburbs. As I drove around town with some friends, I thought to myself, soon these people won’t live here anymore. Like most cities, I doubt OKC will do anything to address this problem. The allure of the new and the possibility of pulling in people with much higher disposable income is just too tempting.

One of the most common questions I get when I go back home is, “When are you moving back?” Some say it jokingly. Others expect me to circle a date on the calendar. The further I get away from calling myself a resident of Oklahoma, the more comfortable I become with the notion. Sure, there are moments when something makes national headlines and I think I should be there fighting, volunteering or working for the other side of the argument. Those moments are becoming fewer and farther between, though. Oklahoma will always be home and will always have a piece of my heart, but the things I am passionate about and want to spend my life addressing lie elsewhere. As time marches forward, I am becoming more and more comfortable with this idea.

Finally, and most importantly, this last trip happened over the Christmas holiday. As a family, it was our first without my brother, Lucas. Everything we did seemed to be missing a fundamental piece. Opening presents seemed odd. Laughing seemed wrong. Smiles were suspect. No one needed to vocalize the challenge before us. We all knew. With that said, I don’t know if Lucas is observing us from some far off heavenly body, but I hope we made him proud. I hope he witnessed the family he drew near. I hope his love shined through us all. More than anything, I hope his love is the gift we can keep on giving.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan 

Captured

Thanks for entering my world, 

-Nathan 

Captured

Thanks for entering my world, 

-Nathan 

The Real Doom of Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. The first Halloween I remember was when I was five. My Mom made my costume from one of those pattern fabrics you could buy. It was a butterfly cape with a crown, paired with a purple shirt and pants. It was simple, but I LOVED it. The best part was my Mom painted my face which was super fun because my Mom was great at makeup.

As a kid, one of my favorite things was giving candy out before I went trick-or-treating. It is still my favorite. That year, I sat by the storm door anticipating the kids who’d come before my departure. As little kids often do when they slow down for five seconds, I fell asleep on the rug. I wasn’t asleep for long, but woke devastated. I’d missed some of the trick-or-treaters, but my face paint smeared while I was asleep! I was SO upset, which made me cry and smear the rest of my face. In the end, all was well. My Mom fixed me up I went trick-or-treating and loved every second.

The real reason Halloween remains my favorite…it’s easy, effortless and fun. For me, it’s the one holiday that’s kept its luster. The one downfall of my favorite holiday… it signals the other holidays are near. Before I tell you why this feels like doom for me, please know I don’t consider myself a miser, hermit, or fun-killer, though perhaps I am and this outs me. I kind of hate the holidays.

One reason, my husband and I have eight holiday celebrations across a 150 mile radius. Everyone wants to see us, which I am glad for, but I have a terrible time trying to please everyone because of a tremendous guilt complex. That translates to a huge chunk of time in the car and clockwatching at events to “keep” the schedule. Fortunately, some celebrations occur around the holiday instead of on it, which is easier, but it is still a lot. I am often told by our families, or those who hear about our insane holiday schedule, to just “pick one place”, or “do what WE want”. But that is hard to do, in part because I WANT to see everyone, and because of said guilt complex.

The second reason I hate the holidays, the spattering of drama. Maybe I read into this as my own personal guilt for not getting somewhere on time or having to leave early, or being too full to eat my second (or third meal), or perhaps it exists because of previous unforgiven or unvoiced feelings, circumstances or situations. Whatever the case, I feel it, and it plagues me.

The last reason…gifts. I am a grown ass woman and uncomfortable with the expectation people must spend money on me. I also never know what to buy people who tell me what I often tell them, “I don’t need anything”. We still buy because we fear someone will buy for us and we’ll be empty handed, or in fear because our lack of a gift that doesn’t stand up to what someone else brought. Exhausting.

So this year, in preparation of my favorite holiday passing and leaving me with my least favorite part, I give a gift to myself. The freedom to take what others say as truth, to be guiltless about my holiday plans, to release the circumstances that lead to drama, and let go of feeling the gifts I give  must meet some criteria, or even be tangible at all. I release myself from my post-Halloween holiday doom…now there’s a treat.

There’s your piece of me,

Jessica