Thoughts after a recent trip to my home state, Oklahoma…
Dutifully, for 31 years of my 34 years of living, I have walked into a living room in Frederick, Oklahoma to celebrate the holidays. Now, I make trips to Oklahoma without ever stepping foot in my hometown. We made an exception this year to visit my brother’s grave, as well as my aunt and her family. This means Frederick has become the exception, not the rule. As I get further and further from the place I once called home, I notice how my affinity changes. I notice how time and environments have changed me. Without a doubt, I am no longer the man who once called this home.
For the second time, Brandon accompanied me on one of these holiday excursions. This time around he was introduced to my aunt, uncle, and cousins. In many ways, it was beyond my expectations. When you’re coming out, you grow fearful of these moments. They become a boogeyman. Your reluctance for these encounters is grown out of fear; a fear of rejection. When introducing Brandon to other people, I essentially come out repeatedly. I fear the reaction of those we meet. Yet, once again, I was surprised. As I watched Brandon join in the conversation, crack jokes, interact with some of the people I love most, a calm washed over me. Once again, we are loved.
Watching Brandon interact with my immediate family, is pure bliss. I have known I was gay since I was 13. I didn’t know what to call it. I didn’t know how to express it. I just knew there was something different about me. Never in a million years did I think I would bring a partner home who would help my mom cook, color with my niece, play piano for the family, and be welcomed as one of us. I spent a lot of countless hours hoping for such an experience but never thought it would really be mine. Yet, here we are, and I couldn’t be prouder.
With each pilgrimage back to Oklahoma, I am confronted with the frailty of my parents as they age. They move slower, sickness sticks around longer, and physical pain visits daily. The change is both visceral and emphatically expressed. With a rational mind, you know how this story is going to end. With hopeful ignorance, you hope you can hold onto these moments forever. One day, they will be all I have to cherish. For me, that’s why it is so important to show up during the holidays.
Looking at my family, it is easy to feel like the odd duck. To no degree, do I think I am better than those I love and those who raised me. Yet, when interacting with them, the differences are noticeable. In lots of ways, we aren’t interested in the same things. On subject after subject, I feel like a ship sailing in the opposite direction. For some, this may be an excuse to never come home or avoid certain situations. For me, I relish these moments. They make me feel hope and fill my cup. I love these people; both for what unites and divides us.
On January 3, 2015, I met Brandon Reaves for the first time. Since then, he has become my partner in crime and life. In multiple ways, he is my best friend. He fills the holes in my armor and makes me a better person. As we begin a new chapter, I can only venture a guess where we will be in a year. A year ago, I didn’t think we would be calling Los Angeles, home. So much has changed for us that I am fearful of making a guess concerning what is in store for us. I know this though, wherever we go I am elated I get to stand next to Brandon Reaves.
New Year’s Eve sucks in your thirties. Well, New Year’s Eve always sucks. It is one of the most over-hyped holidays on the entire calendar, but it sucks something fierce in your thirties. Long gone are the days of epic parties. Long gone are huge gatherings with friends. Long gone are the nights without care. Instead, we are treated to quiet and quaint affairs. Now, I am not knocking these social gatherings but on one night a year, I would like to burn the mother to the ground and wake up with some regret in my bones.
As I grow older, my family becomes more and more important. When I am not with them, I miss them terribly. I spend countless hours wondering how my nieces and nephews are growing. I fear what time can do to relationships strained by distance. I worry about my parents and their health. I miss birthdays, anniversaries, and gatherings for no reason. This is hard and something I never fully expected when I decided to move away.
I need to state something bluntly. I say this without fear. I hate Edmond, Oklahoma. I love the people I know who live there. I loved getting my education there. There are moments in time I can point to that brought me a lot of joy. Still, I hate Edmond, Oklahoma. Never before and not since have I visited a place that serves as a more equal anthesis to everything I am. When I drive her city streets, see the shops, people, bumper stickers, and intense focus on religion and wealth, it takes every fiber of my being not to scream. Then I stop and remember soon I will be on a plane far from here.
Frederick is where I am from. Edmond was for education. Seattle is home. Los Angeles is an opportunity to expand my horizons. It will never be home. It won’t be where we make our stand. It won’t be where we put down roots. It is a moment in time not meant to be held for very long. Knowing this, I am not filled with regret. No, I just smile at the opportunity and relish the experience gained and the moments yet to be had.
Be good to each other,
-Nathan
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