Love
Be good to each other,
Nathan
Maintaining a romantic relationship may be the greatest challenge of my life. It is also a challenge that brings me great joy and satisfaction. The work required to keep this ship afloat often feels like a battle against the forces of hell. There are moments when I have found myself looking for a lifeboat in anticipation of a simpler and easier path. Staying behind and working on the ship with my partner, despite the hardships, felt necessary because of the hope I have placed in our final destination.
In that work, I have discovered some truth. Relationships are seesaws in motion. Sometimes, your legs are kicking the summer air, and at other times, they are planted firmly on the ground. Sometimes, your partner needs you to support the relationship, so they may prosper. At other times, you will need their strength to move forward. While the goal is some sense of equilibrium, we should all realize life doesn’t work that way. Romantic, platonic, or familial, the type of relationship makes no difference, because no matter the type we will be called upon to be the strong one, and we will need someone to lend a hand.
In my relationship, my role has changed hundreds of times. I have been a counselor, coach, motivator, financial planner, the romantic, planner, future forecaster, psychologist, philosopher, etc. I have also needed counseling, coaching, motivation, financial help, wooing, guidance, visioning, mental health breaks, and wisdom. This is the essence of what it means to be in a relationship. If they are to succeed, there must be a willingness to give and take freely. Without this adaptability, they will fail. They will leave you looking for open waters and battles worth fighting.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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Relationships require quiet spaces where each member can retire to find themselves. For me, these spaces can be found in our spare bedroom, out with friends, reading alone in a coffee shop, or hiking a trail. In these spaces, I am allowed the freedom to process my thoughts. I can gather new experiences in these spaces and use those moments to bring spice to my relationship.
Relationships also require trust and consistent communication. This trust and willingness to share must come naturally, or the relationship will falter. I can freely admit trust is not something that comes naturally to me. I wasn’t born this way. Distrust was sewn into my being thanks to prior relationships. The hurt I carry from partners who cheated, lied, or led me on has given birth to a version of myself I don’t necessarily like. I also know the wandering spirit I must quiet. Forcing these realities together, jealousy is born. Jealousy, and its all-consuming ways, can often get the best of me.
When jealousy swells within me, a battle is born. On one shoulder is a mischievous spy with a deep desire to uncover the truth. It screams go through his phone. Search his tablet. Try to catch him in a lie. On the other shoulder is a saint begging me to respect his privacy. As the war wages on, I do all that I can to quiet its riot. Violating another person’s privacy is a destructive force and it tramples honesty. As we’ve learned, no relationship can exist without honesty.
So, I struggle. I measure myself and others by an impossible standard of loyalty. I find it to be the highest order of man. I try and fail, but I attempt to be open, honest, reflective, and respectful of those spaces we must retreat to for a relationship to thrive. Love continues to be my driving force. It motivates me to do and be better. In this case, for my own mental health and the future of my relationship.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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The stress was eating him alive.
Debt, career, love, bills, and family.
All felt like a burden too heavy.
He was torn between two tragic loves.
What needed to be done hung thick in the air.
An impossible decision had to be made.
He went home and left Los Angeles in the rearview mirror.
Broken and left torn on the living room floor,
I remained trying to reassemble a puzzle with missing pieces.
A dream was dying with every mile conquered driving north on I-5.
Dreams would be replaced.
Finding ourselves under the same roof became paramount.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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Every relationship is tested. Platonic, familial, or romantic, it makes no difference. Every relationship will enter a period of trial and tribulation. On the other side of this battle, are several outcomes. The relationship will be stronger because it was forged in fire, it will crumble like clay, or it will escape with visible cracks that will never be fully repaired.
As you enter these periods of strain, you must know certain things about yourself. Is this relationship worth saving? Do I think we will be better because of this challenge? Is the pain worth it? Who do I want to be when this over? How will this make me a better friend, family member, or partner?
The answers to these questions come in phases. Some are known at the beginning. Others reveal themselves slowly. A few will only be known when hindsight becomes 20/20. But some things remain true no matter what is learned. Not all relationships are worth saving. Some friendships have expiration dates. Never give up on family. Give the best version of yourself to your partner. If that still isn’t enough, then the outcome is out of your hands.
I write these words as a friend, a member of a dynamic family, and a partner. Many of my friendships have been tested. Some were built to last. Others saw the light flicker away. Family relationships have been tested beyond belief due to tragedy, selfishness, distance, and hundreds of other obstacles. Some of those relationships get the best version of me. Others find me emotionally exhausted. A handful of partners existed before Brandon. He is all that remains for me, but there have been a couple of instances when this thing almost fell apart.
I moved to Los Angeles two months before Brandon. I went to look for work, find a place to live, and to get to know our new home. When I left, I felt our collective excitement. As the weeks began wearing on us, time and distance became unkind. The reality of our situation was doing unbearable things to our relationship. Coupled with the expense of moving, the difficulties of finding work, the challenges of finding affordable housing, and the stress of transition, we found ourselves tested in new ways.
A week or so before Brandon was to arrive, things reached a boiling point. We both found ourselves needing to hold something more than a telephone. We decided to move forward with our plans, but it would take months for me to heal. For Brandon, I think it would take leaving Los Angeles.
In a long-distance relationship, I learned some things about myself and who we had become together. I learned some of my relationships need face-to-face interaction on a consistent basis. Without that investment, it becomes too easy to walk away. Then, there are relationships in my life that can pick up exactly where they left off no matter time or distance. I also learned that relationships must be experienced in person, eventually. Life is best lived when shared. Finally, I learned from afar, relationships must be observed through a lens of tolerance and forgiveness. Open, honest communication is your saving grace.
Obviously, Brandon and I survived our trial. Since returning to Seattle, there have been other speed bumps and I know there will be many more, but I feel profoundly prepared to face them because of the time it almost fell apart. For me, this relationship was worth saving. It was worth the pain. I knew if we could survive this, there wasn’t much we couldn’t handle. I also knew powerful lessons needing to be learned awaited me on the other side. I am so thankful for the patience and grace to realize this about the most important relationship of my life.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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I know this is a big ask, but for a brief moment in time, step outside your moral convictions or religious beliefs. In this post, I want you to judge a relationship on your experience. Over the next few paragraphs, I want you to judge my relationship by your relationship. Judge us by what popular culture has taught you. Judge us by what you know to be true about all that is necessary for a healthy relationship to prosper. As we weave our way through this exercise, know that tolerance of something you cannot morally accept, but are willing to celebrate from a distance is not my goal. In the end, I want you to understand we are not that different.
Think of the last heated or profound conversation you had with your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Was it about the future? Expenses? Helping out around the house? Caring for the children? Travel? How the in-laws are treating you? Something you said was misunderstood? Sex?
Did the conversation happen over the kitchen table, in bed, or on a long drive? Did you shout, stand up for yourself, talk passionately, cry, find common ground, or reach a peaceful agreement? Were you filled with doubt or sure of yourself? Did you decide to love this person, even the things you cannot change? Did you grow or decide to continue working? Did you decide love is the hardest thing you will ever do, but also find it profoundly rewarding?
We are not that different.
Just like you, we worry about the future. Right now, I am out of work and spend almost every single day looking for work. Brandon is the breadwinner and is supporting me financially through this trying time. Thanks to the pandemic, record unemployment, and a weak job market, we are worried about the future. Sound familiar?
Just like you, we worry about money. In the past five years, we have both struggled with our finances. We have overcome debt, saved, and discussed buying a home, and new cars. Finances are always a concern and influence every decision we make. Can you relate?
Just like you, we long for something more. For us, we wish we could travel more. We wish we could live in a bigger house, wear newer clothes, and splurge on ourselves more often. We know where we want to be, even when the path is unclear. Are these dreams your dreams?
Just like you, we long for an end to the challenges. We want family drama to end. We want the freedom to be ourselves. We want to achieve our personal goals and those goals we share together. We want to leave this world better than we found it. Are you starting to see yourself in us?
We are not that different.
Just like you, life has come at us pretty fast. We were carefree kids, teenagers rebelling against their parents, newly freed college students, young adults swimming in confusion, and now, adults trying to build something special. Before we know it, retirement, health concerns, and then death. In all these journeys, we have braced for impact unsure of what to expect.
Stepping back into your moral convictions and religious beliefs, please know that we do not need your approval or tolerance. Each other is all we need or will ever need. Sure, life is much more exciting surrounded by friends and family, but approval for those who mind and can only focus on hedonistic thoughts can kindly go to hell.
Like you, we believe this a love built to last. It may not linger on traditions. It may be built on something new. It may fly in the face of everything you have believed to be true, but in the end…
We are not that different.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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There isn’t much detail I can give. There isn’t much I can say. The innocent need to be protected. With all of this in mind, I still must attempt to tackle the two summers before I left Oklahoma. There is no doubt in my mind they were the most formative of my life. Over the course of six months spanning two years, I learned about pain and passion, joy and betrayal, love and loss, needs and wants. I was shaped and molded because of these interactions. I will never forget them.
One day in the future, I will look back at the moments that forced me to change course and take a different path. College, moving, relationships, volunteering, getting involved in my community, travel, and these two summers all share something in common; when the dust settled I had grown into a new version of myself. The person who began each of these journeys is not the same person who emerged on the other side. These were trials filled with tribulation and, on occasion, sheer joy, but they were so very necessary for my personal development.
What made these two particular summers special was how wild and unexpected they were. Never in my life have I been so free. Sure, pouring my heart out to someone and letting relationships progress naturally was fraught with danger. There was always a chance someone could get hurt, but in the end, none of that mattered. The two individuals I found myself consumed by wanted to be with me and when we weren’t together phones rarely allowed silence to linger.
Two summers, two different individuals, and I felt myself falling in love for the first time in a long time. At that moment, these people were everything I needed them to be. For a kid full of self-doubt, I felt confident, loved, strong, and needed. After these relationships ended, I left Oklahoma a surer individual. I possessed a new understanding of my capabilities and knew I could make it anywhere in this world. I had set my sights on Seattle and there would be no stopping me.
These summers also did something else. They hurt. Both relationships ended. Thanks to circumstances beyond my control, these briefly illuminated moments in time when out with a flicker. At the time, I thought irreparable pain had been done. Little did I know then, but this was good for me. We need to feel loss in an effort to make our love that much stronger. The next face I would say I love you to would get the best version of myself because of these two summers. For that, I am forever grateful.
There are moments when I wish I could get these moments in time back. I know they are gone forever. In acts of desperation, I have sent messages trying to rekindle something lost to summers long ago. At the time, the physical was consuming, but it wasn’t the whole story. I needed to be emotionally and spiritually served more than anything else. To those on the receiving end, I thank you for your patience and everything you taught me. My life is a collection of moments in time that I measure myself against. Your moments were pretty special and something I will hold forever. I will always be filled with regret for how things turned out, but thankful for the journey.
Be good to each other,
-Nathan
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The first few dates are filled with nervous anticipation. A few more dates and you find yourself in a committed relationship. That first year is a honeymoon phase. Then, you are so madly in love that you give way to a natural shift and soon conversations about marriage, settling down, the future, and forgiving all those little annoyances your partner presents. Perhaps you move in together or maybe you find yourself spending almost every waking hour together. Whatever the situation, the first year or two passes and the real work begins. One of the challenges a long-term relationship faces is finding new ways to express love. When the honeymoon phase gives way to reality, a relationship becomes about continually watering the tree, so it will maintain life.
Yet, a relationship should be about more than the status quo. We get stuck in a circle of trying to maintain. Instead, what if we could bottle those feelings of admiration and love that we experienced while falling head over heels for someone? What if we stayed curious? What if we continually needed to surprise and feel love? This level of affection isn’t impossible. We have achieved it before. It all boils down to making a commitment. Our relationships need to be rediscovered ever so often. We need to rediscover who we are within the confines of our commitment to another human being.
We have to find what is really important and commit to continue learning about the person we love with our whole heart and soul. This can be done by changing up your dates, adding more road trips, going on an unexpected vacation. I find nothing reinvigorates a relationship like finding yourself in a new place together. The common experience provides opportunities for exploration, new conversations, and memories that will last you a lifetime.
Loving someone is about focusing with all that we have. The person you love will not always be afforded your undivided attention. Life just doesn’t work that way. Work, family, kids, responsibilities, and your own needs will steal attention. Every relationship will also experience moments where they feel like stale water. It will feel like it isn’t going anywhere or accomplishing anything. If we look close enough though, we would see life exists there. Before long, the wind, sun, or rain will come through to keep things moving. Just like those forces, we have to commit ourselves to routine expressions of love. These acts keep our relationships moving and flourishing. The person we promised to love forever and ever is worthy of that.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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Crowded around a kitchen table,
Tonight, we are in the business of solving problems;
The world has plenty to go around.
With every sip, the challenges become less.
Every rotation of a record means something new.
Our days of festive evenings have passed.
We are here now.
Or, perhaps at a corner bar.
We are together, though.
It is something new;
A spirit of revelry.
The world seems to find us standing still.
All the while, days on the calendar escape us.
Time betrays us all.
All the while, exposing our greatest weakness, hesitance.
But not now.
Here, time slows down.
The kitchen table could be a pew.
We are filling each other up.
This is the spirit of revelry.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
Last month, 398 people read an article on Natetheworld.com. If you were one of them, please consider supporting this website with a monthly gift. Your support means everything and proves to the world that original content still matters.
As one ages, you are forced to stop and take stock of your life and the things you believe. In these moments of introspection, you have to come to terms with what you hold true, how you arrived at such a place, and whether you are still anchored to those beliefs. This is a four part series on things I used to believe. As you read along, I hope you can relate.
I used to believe marriage and kids were meant for someone else. Throughout most of my twenties, I was single. This was not by choice necessarily. I spent much of that time coming to terms with my attractions and sexuality. I needed to find myself in compromising positions and discover who I was. As I inched closer and closer to the idea that my sexuality might be different than those around me, the idea of marriage and kids seemed further and further away. I watched in fits of jealousy as friends began getting married, buying homes, and starting families. Their love was legal and ordained. Mine was illegal and in many circles sinful. My thoughts on this matter wouldn't change until I decided to come out and the Supreme Court decided I and those like me mattered and were equal in the eyes of the law. Then and there, my beliefs changed.
Before our highest court made such a decision, I had come to terms with reality. I made myself believe I could live without a wedding band and the movement of little feet running across my home. I looked at marriage as some ancient tradition. In my mind, I would create new traditions and wouldn't be held captive by what people expected of me. If this meant a civil union or committing myself to another in front of friends and family, then so be it. If this meant never being a father, then so be it. My life would be defined on my own terms. Then the Supreme Court issued their ruling and my whole world changed.
Of course, none of this changed the fact that I was perpetually single. There were many days and sleepless nights where I believed love was meant for some else. For the better part of my twenties, I went on dates with men and women. I tried and I failed. I had a lot of fun and a great deal of disappointment. Through it all, I learned a so much about myself. I amassed my likes and dislikes. I was beginning to shape my perfect partner. I was coming to terms with the idea, through trial and error, that perfection may never be found. I learned to stop hunting for perfection but instead focused my attention on finding someone who could fulfill my needs. In return, I worked on becoming a partner who could do the same. Slowly my idea of loneliness melted away. Finally, I felt prepared and ready. I felt worthy of love.
But first, I had to get rid of this idea that I could conquer this world alone. My move from Oklahoma City to Seattle cemented an idea in my mind; I didn't need anyone but me. For too long, I tried to get by without depending on others. Of course, I wanted to be liked and accepted by the collective people around me. I have tried to be a person others want to surround themselves but when it came to my love life I could never find the courage or bravery to make the trip across the bar. I eventually learned I wasn't being courageous or brave. I was being arrogant. It was foolish of me to believe I could do this world alone. Life is best when shared. To understand this, I had to retire some false notions; notions that could only be retired through experience.
To arrive at a point such as this, one must first admit they were wrong. I was wrong about marriage and kids. I was wrong about weddings. I was wrong about dating. I was wrong about conquering this world alone. I was wrong and now I know it.
Be good to each other,
-Nathan
