Los Angeles didn’t win, but it didn’t lose either. I never put “the” in front of 405, 5, 101, or even 110. I didn’t spend countless hours at the beach. I didn’t find myself consumed with celebrity culture or at parties in the Hollywood hills. I didn’t give way to vanity and self-importance (qualities I think are wrongly leveled against those who call Los Angeles home). I didn’t work to make this home. We knew upon arrival this wouldn’t be forever. Los Angeles would be an education; an opportunity to learn some things about ourselves and then move on to the next great adventure. Without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, Los Angeles provided lessons, friends, and opportunities that will last me a lifetime. For these gifts, it is hard for me to look back in regret. For almost three years, I called myself an Angeleno and I am immensely proud of that fact.
We moved here with the intentions of Brandon pursuing a culinary degree and I wanted to expand my knowledge of the nonprofit sector. Not everything went as planned. We tried, we failed, we learned, and we grew in unimaginable ways. With this chapter of our lives closing, I think it is important to pause and name those things that changed us for the better. I also think it is important for us to share this experience. We have no way of knowing what lies on the other side of change. We can plan ourselves in the direction of some sense of calm, but undoubtedly life will have different ideas. Still, I don’t think we should be fearful of change. Some of the greatest decisions of my life were born out of moments when unthinkable bravery was required.
My Relationship
Three years into this journey and five years into our relationship, I can confidently say Brandon is the person I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know. Financially, LA tested us in unimaginable ways. While more blessings than ever before were visiting my door, Brandon found himself at a job where he was undervalued and underpaid. This put a tremendous strain on our finances and Brandon’s mental health. Halfway through this journey, we made the difficult decision for Brandon to return to Seattle in an effort for him to finish school there, seek a more profitable job, and get his financial house in order. For us, this meant the feared long-distance relationship. It wasn’t an easy decision for either of us, but we promised honesty, open communication, and all the support we could muster while still being a thousand miles apart. As this chapter closes and we inch closer to being under the same roof again, I can happily report that our relationship is stronger than ever, and we now know that very little can stand in our way.
My Friends
I am a lucky man. Friends have always come easily to me but given our situation and decision to return to Seattle, I didn’t think any of these relationships would be so profound or deep. I couldn’t have been more wrong. In Los Angeles, I found a supportive network that came to feel like family. In so many ways, they mirrored those friends I made in Seattle. In LA, I found friends who share my interests, push me to be better, and motivate me to pursue my dreams. As I have spent time over the past few months reflecting on this journey, it is these people who are making leaving so difficult. With that said, I know many of these relationships can withstand the test of time and difficulty of distance. Without a doubt, our paths shall cross again and again.
Work
I proudly work in the nonprofit sector. In some form or fashion, I see myself doing this work for the rest of my life. For me, this work isn’t about compensation. I find immense value in my work and must focus my energies on the mission of an organization above all else. When I was hired at Skid Row Housing Trust, I found a mission that reflected my values. I believed then and still do that housing is a human right. We all deserve the security of a home and the health and stability it can provide. In the Trust, I found an organization where I could use my time and talents to make a difference. I also found an organization where I could grow and prepare myself for a future of continued leadership. In those early months, I found myself changing for the better. But then the situation became dire.
While I won’t recount stories of failed leadership and moments that are already public knowledge, I will say choosing to leave the Trust was one of the hardest decisions of my life and the weight of immoral and unethical leadership decisions hung on my shoulders like a yoke of anvils. For my own mental health, I fought against the system for as long as I could holding onto hope for my fellow employees and our residents. Then, I couldn’t do it anymore. In the twilight of the night, I chose to walk away into the unknown, but I didn’t leave empty-handed.
I left with leadership lessons that will last me a lifetime. Every decision I will ever make as a supervisor, leader, and colleague will, in some shape or fashion, be informed by my time within the walls of a fake empire occupying 7th and Central. I also count myself blessed that walking away from this toxic environment wasn’t the taste left lingering in my mouth. From the Trust, I landed at the Center; an organization that is participant focused, filled with fierce advocates, and genuinely cares for each person who walks through the door. At The Center, I rediscovered why I do this work and found myself rejuvenated. If only I could have landed this job three years ago! Still, I am thankful for the relationships and lessons learned.
The Pacific Crest Trail
With Los Angeles as the stage, I also found an opportunity that will conclude this chapter of my life. Thanks to LA, I now find myself days away from a journey two years in the making. Planning for the Pacific Crest Trail took two years, thousands of dollars spent on gear, thousands more saved for the trail, countless hours doing research, and over a hundred miles of practice hikes. I will spend the next five months of my life chasing a dream because this place provided a window to do so. It also gave birth to a new idea, something that has held true, but I have been searching for my whole life to properly put into words.
(My own manifesto)
I reject the tyranny of the expected with every fiber of my being. I hate the order of things – how things are supposed to progress. I hate being told who to love, where to live, and how life should be done. A life defined on my own terms is a life declaring freedom and choice.
Closing
I don’t look back on this decision in anger or regret. I am grateful for what I have learned about love, friendship, leadership, and chasing your dreams. In a city where so many people arrive here chasing the same thing, I am proud to be leaving the City of Angels with these dreams realized. That is a gift I will never be able to repay. So, no, Los Angeles didn’t win, but it didn’t lose either.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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