Learn to Be Happy, Alone

“Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. 
But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so not wait for, or depend on other people.” –Professor Thomas Davidson

I don’t know about you, but I find this quote powerful. In fact, while I was reading “Education of a Wandering Man” by Louis L’Amour it stopped me in my tracks. I had to put the book down and take some time to reflect upon its true meaning. The following is my attempt to understand its purpose for my life. In a small way, I hope it helps you as well.

As I grow older, I am learning to cherish quiet spaces. Without a doubt, I love people. They give me energy. I thrive off of their passions. They motivate me to be better. I also love a busy and unpredictable schedule. Rarely, am I doing the same routine on a day-to-day basis. At times, there are so many things to do, I forget what is next on my agenda. Being an extrovert, I wouldn’t have it any other way. At times though, I sit down at the end of a busy week and feel exhausted, as well as mentally drained. Here is where I crave those quiet spaces.

Those spaces can be found riding my bike, relaxing at home, hiking, at a coffee shop with a good book, or a movie theatre. These activities may be the most selfish things I do all week, but they are filled with quiet and calm. Each one allows me to recharge my batteries and assess the world around me. This is important, because, now in my 30’s, I’ve learned you are no earthly good if you aren’t good to yourself.

You are no earthly good if you aren’t good to yourself…

To me, that is a powerful revelation. It may come as common sense to some of you, but when it hit me while reflecting on this quote, I was blown away. Why? Because to know me, is to know how hard I am on myself. In job interviews, I have always told potential employers that they could never be as hard on me as I am on myself. I beat myself up regularly. I constantly measure myself against others and those I admire. Rarely, am I satisfied. It is one of my greatest weaknesses and strengths. Walking this line can be exhausting though, this is why these selfish moments are so important to me. I get to worry about just me. When I am done, hopefully, I am some earthly good.

This quote also makes me think of all those parents out there. Scrolling through social media feeds and timelines, I see many of you may have a difficult time finding those quiet spaces. You’re married and little feet fill every corner of your house. As a kid, my house of five was never quiet. As an adult, I wonder how my parents found time for themselves. In fact, my mom who is a devout reader of the Bible used to do her daily devotional in the bathroom. It was the only room in the house where she could find some peace.

One of the great joys of not having any children is that I get to be selfish. On my off days, I get to worry about myself and what makes me happy; nothing else. I am afforded moments of quiet and calm. There is no hiding in the bathroom for me. My social calendar isn’t filled with auditions, soccer practice, and tutoring. In all honesty, I don’t know how parents do it. I don’t know how they get pulled in a thousand directions and still maintain their sanity. With that said, parents may need moments to themselves more than anyone. Those moments may not be a Saturday to themselves, instead, they may be short little sessions, but they are still vital. Without a doubt, parenting is the hardest job in the world. It is one that requires constant assessment of the decisions and impact being made. So, if you are lucky enough to have a partner in your relationship, work on allowing the other to take breaks and recharge their batteries. I am not sure if this is the exact secret to great relationships and parenting, but it feels like a good start.

Finally, this quote makes me think of my own life. My life, at 31, is quite different than others. In a lot of ways, I am defying what society expects of me. I am in a non-traditional relationship. I don’t desire to get married and have no real need to see what a smaller version of myself looks like. For some people, that may sound like a lonely existence. I know I am not like other men, but I also know I am not alone. I choose to fill my life with things different than the norm. My life is not void of important things or desires. It is filled with longing for work that fulfills me, experiences that can only be had by traveling and seeing the world, as well as hobbies and passions that complete me. Beyond this, there are hundreds of characteristics I would use to identify myself in a positive light. I think the quote at the center at this piece is focused on finding joy within yourself, before seeking it in others. It is about loving yourself completely so that you might do the same to others. For me, that is such an important lesson.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan 

Guest Spot: Wes Warner

Guest Spot is a recurring post on the Natetheworld. For the topic, we provide a guest author a video, story or article. They then write a response. This month, we are featuring a friend of mine from my UCO days, Wes Warner.

To read the article Wes responded to, click here.  

I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last month, Nepal, Bangladesh, and most recently, San Diego, California. I do not consider myself old but I do have some miles on the chassis and so as I think about where I’ve lived, how I’ve lived, and where I’m going to live, there are some constraints to those decisions.

I would love to say I’m packing up tomorrow and moving to Kathmandu. But as a single parent that’s not a possibility at this point. The author in the article talks of the responsibilities of adulthood. I believe that it is not adulthood that necessarily secures us to a set of constraints, it is parenthood. That being said, I love being a father, and a single dad at that, so let’s not think I’m against parenthood, it just constrains the freedom of adulthood. If you’re a parent reading this and you feel insulted, stop for a minute and think about it, you know I’m right.

Other than taking care of the children, what keeps you in a boring, stuffy, stressful, ohmygodIneedatherapist job? Your things? Material, sell them, all of them if you want, and leave. A car, house, boat, RV payment? That was a choice and one you can easily change, children not so much, so if you want or need a change, make it!

You don’t even have to immediately learn a new language, stay in your home country, just find a new place to, as George Carlin would say, “Keep your stuff.” But to pack up and find a whole new country for an adventure, there is the salt of life!

How to work this journey? It’s simple and the author is right, start young before the children, before the bills, start with higher education. I’m not advocating six figure debt to an institution, but I believe building a network in college or trade school is essential to learning new culture, potential, and seeing how small the world truly is once you’re in it.

To explore your unknown as an adult whether totally alone or with another adult is exciting. But you need to be patient and able to relax in the moment. Not everything will go according to your plan, so if you’re overly obsessive toward controlling your environment, perhaps you should stay in the safety and comfort of home. But one thing, all of the dreamers and successful entrepreneurs I know, did not stay home, they wandered.

Build a network, know people outside of your hometown and live outside of your box. I did and I wouldn’t change anything about where I lived to this point in my life. I think it would have been different and I would have gone many more places, but I had children to care for and that changes the dynamic. I will say though, my oldest was five when we live in South Korea and she was just shy of seven when we left. She had a marvelous time and we lived in the economy, our neighbors spoke no English, but we survived and had a great time.

As I said before, I am a single parent. My daughter is a special needs child and so my thoughts of swiftly moving to Kathmandu will stay thoughts, at least for the time being. But if I had no children, what would I do? I would leave and find a great adventure in Nepal, Bangladesh, or perhaps Dubai. Three excellent places I visited recently. I liked San Diego well enough so don’t get me wrong, but it’s the grand foreign adventure that would sweep me away. Life on the edge and by the seat of your pants.

As a young person how do you see the world and live anywhere? Educate yourself on skills that transcend cultures, IT, welding, flight attendant (Emirates and Qatar hire all nationalities), if you master their language waiting tables can help get you by in a pinch. Join AmeriCore or some other non-profit that will afford you the opportunity to see many different places and work closely with the population. Research online and see where you would like to live. Be young and see the world.

It’s the thrill of freedom. The knowledge that you and you alone are your responsibility. Backpacking into an unknown city, finding a place to lay your head, eat, work, maybe put down some roots, however permanent they may turn out to be, that is the thrill.

I’ve taken advantage of those times where I could adventure in a foreign city, whether still in the states or in a land far away, I’ve always taken that step. One basic premise is listen to the locals, they’ll tell you how to get along and get around. If you’re courteous you’ll make friends just about anywhere.

I’m happy where I am in life right now but I do often wish that I had taken more of the roads less traveled to see more of what was on the other side of the mountain, over the rainbow, around the bend, or down that left hand turn at Albuquerque, are we sure that it’s Pismo Beach?

Carpe diem!