It is the summer of 2020. It is in early August. I am somewhere in western Montana between Bozeman and Glacier National Park. In the past few days, I have driven from Oklahoma, through the Texas panhandle, into Colorado, and stayed an uneventful evening in Cheyenne, Wyoming. The next day I drove to the Devil’s Tower National Monument and then across Wyoming to the doorstep of the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone National Park. Now, I find myself driving toward another bucket list item then to Seattle via I-90 through northern Idaho and eastern Washington before arriving in a city that redefined my life.
For now, I am somewhere in western Montana breathing in cliches and losing myself to a mind hellbent on losing itself. All around me is incomprehensible beauty. Skies that are painfully vast. Mountain ranges marching toward infinity. Rolling plains possessing more in common with a gulf than a prairie of grass. I am all alone. I have a limitless playlist and an audiobook to keep me company. Despite the distractions, I am more often than not lost in thought. I ask myself questions and ponder the answers.
Was Los Angeles meant to be forever? Did I close the door on real friendships? What was I supposed to learn when I was denied the Pacific Crest Trail? Who am I to become without my father to witness it? Is my relationship forever? What is Seattle to me and how will it shape the next phase of my life? Shall I define my work, or will it define me?
The answers to these questions are not easy to find. They are not written in the skies. They are not perched on hidden glaciers in distant mountain ranges. They are not shining brightly like sun-soaked metal strewn about the plains. They are in this car with me. The answers to these questions are within me.
I must answer them in my own way and within my own time. I also know the answers to these questions have ramifications. See, I am attempting to no longer lead a selfish life. There are others to think about when pondering life-altering decisions. Yet, in my 37 years of living, I also know other truths. The most profound of which is that I would rather attempt and fail, ask and answer, than coast and accept. I will not be a victim of circumstance. There is still some power within me to shape this life of mine. Without a doubt, this a path less traveled. This is an invitation to turmoil, unrest, and heartbreak, but beyond is a chance at life. So, with the unknown number of days remaining before me, I will question, explore, and live. Taken together, these are the only things that have made my life worth living.
Be good to each other,
Nathan
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