On the fringes of society, a debate is raging over the concept of manhood. In one corner, I hear the phrase alpha-male tossed around with reckless abandon. In the other corner, I hear a deep and thoughtful conversation about gender roles, norms, and what society expects/needs from me. Long ago, I realized we are not wolves, and that our continued dominance of every environment does society little good. Looking at both corners, it is not hard for me to pick a side.  

Wanting to move the conversation forward, I started thinking about the men I admire most in this world. Looking at how they carry themselves, I began considering all the characteristics they have in common. From those, I began considering the attributes I admire most. Then I attempted the impossible and made a list of those commonalities and a brief explanation of why I hold them dear.  

The Men I Admire Most Don’t Need to Prove Their Manhood: They have long retired themselves from society’s expectations. These men have learned to adapt to the situations before them. They can be tough, soft, strong-willed, flexible, passionate, romantic, and many other characteristics that often fly in the face of what society expects of me. They do this because that is what the situation demands. It isn’t performative. It is what their relationships with family, friends, and society demand.  

The Men I Admire Most Are Bold and Creative Leaders: They understand that bold, creative, and visionary leadership inspires the masses. They have long retired dangerous notions of ruling with an iron fist. They don’t rule by instilling fear. They bring people together, resource the best ideas, and lead from the center.  

The Men I Admire Most Build Others Up: Belittling and tearing people down will only get you so far in this world. I find myself witnessing a new generation of men who compliment, highlight strengths, and leaders who offer areas for improvement framed with a growth mindset.  

The Men I Admire Most Don’t Beat Their Chests: There is nothing wrong with finding pride in your work, your accomplishments, and what you have built. The men I admire most celebrate in a way that never feels off-putting or inconsiderate of those who haven’t yet reached their level of success. Instead of beating their chests, I often watch these men mentor, train, and give sound advice.  

The Men I Admire Most Don’t Use Their Gender as a Weapon: Our society has been built for the benefit of men. The men I admire most are working to undo the harm such systems have created. They understand their privilege and are actively working to make the foundation of success easier to access. These men understand equity and equality equally, and they understand which approach the challenges before them require.  

The Men I Admire Most Know When to Step Aside and Let Others Lead: When one can divorce themselves from their ego, they can kill the false being within. If successful, you notice spaces that require new forms of leadership. In these instances, these men step aside and create space for others to lead. As they do, they are active participants in the vital and necessary work of undoing systems of oppression. These men are comfortable following, and often see such choices as a sign of the positive impact of their leadership style.  

The Men I Admire Most Are Proud to Mentor and Share Their Wisdom: These men have had a constant presence throughout my life. While it has never been officially called mentorship, that is the gift they gave me. In times of need or when I felt directionless, they gave me solid advice, a gentle nudge, or a kind word when I needed it most. These men will never know what they have meant to my life, but I wouldn’t be here today with them.  

The Men I Admire Most Bleed: They aren’t superheroes. They aren’t without fault. They make mistakes. They let people down, and they struggle. But they refused to be defined by their worst moment. They rise above these failures and use them as a launching pad to accomplish greatness. Watching them from afar, holding space for my own shortcomings, they have become shining examples of how to keep fighting and doing the work.  

 Be good to each other,  

Nathan