15 years ago, I began a journey thanks to a friend’s encouragement. I had always loved to write, but with the click of a button, I was choosing to share my passion with the world. That moment of bravery would change my whole life. It would open doors beyond my wildest dreams. It would find me standing in places I never imagined. It would lead to my current job. It would create spaces that invited me to think critically about film.

15 years later, I have attempted to write honestly about the world as I experience it, with thousands of essays, poems, reviews, and projects. From the very beginning, there was always an invitation for friends, family, and complete strangers to join me.

Writing is the thing I would do even if no one was reading. Without a doubt, though, it has been the greatest honor of my life to have my work read. On this journey, we have loved, laughed, and cried together. Along the way, I hope we all felt a little less alone. And I hope we all learned that no one should define themselves by their worst days.

As I reflect upon this milestone, I am thinking deeply about essays that served as inflection points. I experience these inflection points as moments when my writing changes, a new audience presents itself, and/or I can write more openly. In honor of 15 years, I thought we might revisit some of those essays. Some of these essays are hard for me to read. I am often my harshest critic, but I think it is necessary to revisit these time capsules. As a personal exercise, I want to see how much I have grown as a writer. Together, I hope we can see progress and change.

 My First Attempt

To read this essay, click here.

I love this quote from Ashley Hetherington. “I wonder about all the things we miss out on when we stay in comfort zones. When we stay safe, when we don’t take that chance, that could change everything.”

I was so nervous about hitting “post” on my first essay. Privately, I had been sharing essays and poems with trusted friends for years. Sharing something on the internet felt terrifying. With the click of a button, I would release control. I would be vulnerable. Nevertheless, I persisted. It was something I had to do. I am so thankful I did.

With some courage, a prayer that the world would be gentle on me, and a promise to give this journey my best effort, I published. Then, I didn’t stop. I shared. Perhaps I over shared. I worked through my struggles, my losses, my love, and my emotions. I did it out loud, hoping to find a community, and with a hope that those going through the same challenges might discover they aren’t so alone. By doing so, my whole life changed, and I changed right alongside it. 

 To My Brother Lucas, My Family, and Friends

To read this essay, click here.

I have never written something more important than the eulogy for my brother’s funeral. Flying from Seattle back to Oklahoma, I began crafting the words I would attempt to share. I would finish it in Debbie Morey’s office. On a Friday, I delivered them to a crowded funeral home. The entire process felt like an out-of-body experience. In reflection, I see a man working through the stages of grief.

Since then, I have written extensively about suicide, depression, and grief. The outpouring of support with every essay has been overwhelming. What has been more amazing to me has been hearing from people who are struggling. I have been told my words helped them see a little light in the darkness. As a writer, I don’t think you can long for much more than that.

 An Honest Post

To read this essay, click here.

The day the Supreme Court made marriage equality the law of the land, I ended years of struggle and come out. After I pushed post, I headed for the Washington coast. Camping on Shi Shi Beach, I was without a stable internet connection. I did not know how the world was reacting to my confession.

When I finally returned to civilization, I felt an avalanche of love and support. Since then, I have a met an amazing man who loves me deeply and makes me feel as if anything is possible. We are engaged to be married and are planning for the future. Looking back on this post, I am so grateful for the courage and the journey that delivered to such a moment. But I also cannot help but hope for better days. I dearly wish we would reach a point when it isn’t necessary for someone to come out anymore. I wish acceptance and love were our default settings.  

 Los Angeles, I Am Yours/California Stars

To read this essay, click here.

Rereading this essay, it feels like it was a lifetime ago when we left Seattle for Los Angeles. Honestly, it just feels like yesterday when we moved back to the Pacific Northwest.

I still deeply miss Los Angeles. I miss the friends, the work, and the community I built there. I found the change I needed in my life in Southern California. However, my partner does not feel the same way. Moving back was hard, and as you will see from the essay below, building a new community has been one of the greatest struggles in my life. But I haven’t given up on Seattle. I am still here doing the work, hoping for better days.

Seattle (An Essay)

To read this essay, click here.

I write and publish a lot of essays, but I rarely turn my focus inward. In this essay, you can see my personal struggles laid open for all to see. Talking about my own mental health is rarely something I do, but this piece exists because I needed to say these things to someone.

Since publishing this essay, calling Seattle home again has become easier, but the struggle remains. Looking back at my life and all I have written, I see a myriad of inflection points. With the future laid before me, I cannot help but wonder what the future inflection points will be. How will I respond? What will I write about them? How will I find community in those moments?

Be good to each other,

Nathan