2/26/21

I began my day by watching a video from a guy who started blogging five years ago and claims to be a self-made millionaire because of it. It filled me with rage. I have been doing this for 12 years now and I struggle to get noticed.

2/25/21

If I don’t connect with some of my Seattle friends soon, I am going to lose it!

2/24/21

I am beginning to feel less and less nervous about the work. I am confident in what I know. I also know how to execute. Every once in a while, I forget I am talented.

2/23/21

I didn’t expect to be so reflective at the age of 37.

2/22/21

If I could get paid to do anything in the world, I would write with reckless abandon.

2/19/21

Today, I get my first paycheck in 11 months. I find myself relieved, thankful, and still a little mad that it took this long.

2/18/21

Today, I find myself missing my friend, Tim Hendrix. I miss the road trips, cocktails, laughs, long talks, and the feeling of belonging. I would give almost anything in the world to return to those days, but no matter how I try…

2/17/21

Today, I find myself feeling motivated. I am beginning to formulate some ideas and goals focused on what I want to get out of this life. I am not ready to name anything yet or create milestones, but allowing myself space to explore has me feeling hopeful.

2/16/21

Last night, after a long talk with my partner, a realization came to me. A lack of security and true opportunities are keeping me from doing work that would truly make me happy. This has always forced me to settle for opportunities that aren’t near and dear to my heart. I wish I could say more at this moment, but I am still wrestling with the truth.

2/12/21

A week into my new job and I am already feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. This role is basically three jobs in one and I am having a tough figuring out how I will manage it all.

2/11/21

Today, it is snowing in Seattle and I really find myself missing the warmth of southern California. When I moved to LA in 2017, I knew I would one day leave. I did not expect to miss it this much. Life is a complicated thing.

2/10/21

Today, I find myself cautiously optimistic about the future. 2020 destroyed my plans. I am not alone in that, but with a new job, being on the verge of a new home, my engagement, and a bigger announcement to come, I am starting to feel pretty good about my chances at a much better year.

2/9/21

The last time I lived in Seattle, my first six months were really rough. Living alone and without a community to call my own, I struggled. This time around I am doing everything I can to build community. This led to an idea called the Seattle Cinema and Supper Club. This monthly gathering will be an opportunity for film lovers to gather, share food, and discuss a particular movie. As soon as COVID restrictions are lifted, we will officially launch and I couldn’t be more excited.

2/8/21

Today is the first day at my new job. I come to this new job with a sense of nervousness and hesitancy. I want to do quality and impactful work. I want to make a difference for those community members who depend on us. I am also nervous and hesitant about putting too much of my heart and soul into something where I do not immediately connect with the mission. While getting a job solved a number of challenges in my life, I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to figuring out what I want to do with my life.

2/5/21

Keeping a relationship takes time, effort, communication, love, support, patience, and a thousand moments of grace. Keeping a relationship takes hard work. We commit ourselves to this idea because the work is worth the reward. We hope.

2/4/21

I am not where I thought I would be at 37. I thought I would have accomplished more. I thought I would be in less debt. I thought I would have traveled more. I thought I would have more money, fame, power, and notoriety. I don’t know if this is pressure I put on myself or pressure that was forced upon me by outside forces. My guess is that it is some combination of the two.

2/3/21

With my new job, I am experiencing a dramatic shift in pay which is translating into a shift in my expectations. There will be less travel. We will need to continue renting. We may not be able to get married in 2022. I won’t be able to get some bigger items on my wishlist. I thought at the age of 37 I would be done with this sort of struggling, but here I remain.

Be good to each other,

Nathan

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