I am unashamed to say the following, “I, Nathan Box, have used dating websites in my grand search for the one.” In fact, I have used a lot of them: EHarmony, Match, Chemistry, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid… I have filled out and edited more profiles than I care to remember. I have answered their questions. I start conversations with potential matches. I do my best to engage. Like everyone else, I put my best face forward. I strive to not be the creepy guy.

After years of trying, hundreds of dollars, thousands of matches and no more than ten dates, I’ve come to the conclusion all dating websites are broken.

Or, is this whole ghost town thing normal? Why did thousands of potential partners decide to create profiles and never come back? Because you keep matching me with amazing people who pique my curiosity. I reach out… nothing. Either that or I am stalked by creeps who hide people in their basement. Wait, am I the creepy guy?

Another question: I paid for what? Pay for your profile, pay for your matches, boost your profile, become an A-Lister, pay to browse anonymously. Here, screw you, take my money. I am tired of being lonely and you dating websites know it. As you do, could I please get very few enticing results? Thanks! Jerks!

And another thing: I know you visited, ass. I am an A-Lister after all. If you visited and left without saying hello, I know. The internet tells me all. Are you waiting for me to make the first move? Are you the creepy person? Just tell me what you want!!!

And to those who do engage in conversation, one word answers are so sexy (internet sarcasm). You aren’t being mysterious. You aren’t playing it cool. You aren’t making me do the work. You are being a non-adult ass. I would rather you ignore my message or say you are uninterested than play this game where I ask open ended questions about your freaky life only to get, “yep or nope.”

Despite all of the trouble, fine, I will hang around for another six months. Why? Because the dream of finding the one at a record or book store isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Just in case, my record store is Easy Street and my book store is Elliot Bay Books. Just look for the guy exiting a dating app and throwing his phone against the wall.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan